10 Quotes from my son that scare the crap out of me

Today I am honored to have Clint Edwards of  No Idea What I'm Doing: A Daddy Blog as my guest. If you don't know him you should head over to his blog and get to know him. Clint was nice enough to have me over on his site on Friday. We may have gotten into our first fight over my bio ( I tend to go on and on and on) but we worked it out (meaning he cut the crap out of it) and we have moved on to making friendship bracelets for each other. Today he's sharing with us 10 things his son says that scare the crap out of him. (I bet we all have one of these lists)
Clint Edwards is the author of No Idea What I’m Doing: A Daddy Blog. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

My son is 7. He says a lot of things that make we worry about his future, his motivations, and his hygiene. Here are a few examples.

Me: When was the last time you changed your underwear?

Tristan: I don’t know. A week or something. I don’t understand why this is a big deal.

Me: Why do you keep peeing on the floor?

Tristan (shrugs): Because it’s funny.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Tristan: A scientist, Pokémon Trainer, or a guy that beats people up for money.

Me: Why didn’t you clean your room?

Tristan (somber scary face): Because it’s where I hide… things.

Tristan: Can you help me make a Minecraft YouTube video? I want to be like StampyLongNose.

Me: Bath night.

Tristan: (Long. Agonizing. Moan.)

Me: Calm down. You’re acting like a drug addict.

Tristan: If drugs are like sugar then that sounds fun.

Tristan: You have to be pretty old to be a dad. Like 16.

Tristan (pointing at man pushing grocery cart full of empty cans): Bet that guy makes A LOT of money.

Tristan: Why would someone give you a job?

Me: Because I went to college.

Tristan (laughing): College.

The Big Book of Parenting Tweets Valentine's Day Giveaway

It’s February and you all know what that means. It’s flipping freezing out yes, but besides that lovely fact it’s also the month of LOVE. Valentine’s Day is next week and if you are anything like me you are planning a romance filled evening. There will be flowers and lingerie and candles. Bwahahahahahahaha What? Yeah. No. Don’t get me wrong I love some good romance just like the next gal. (Magic Mike anyone or perhaps some 50 Shades of Grey) but let’s be honest once you have kids Valentine’s Day becomes a day full of Spiderman heart cards and Princess Elsa chocolates.

So how do you keep the romance alive? Well I always said I would never be with a man who did not make me laugh and I have to say I kept my word on that one. My husband and I are constantly laughing. Let’s be honest, raising kids can be a constant comedy routine. It can also be a constant pull your hair out and bang your head against the wall kind of thing so we try to choose the comedy most days. Kids are full of funny material. They say and do funny things constantly. Half the time you might not even realize it’s funny until you and your husband are lying in bed that night laughing so hard neither of you can talk.

There are also a ton of funny parents out there. This is pretty much a direct result of all the funny kids who are making said parents bang their heads against the wall. If you don’t believe me you have to give The Big Book of Parenting Tweets a read. It’s basically all the proof you need that funny parents exist wrapped up in a beautiful little book. (Did I mention I’m in it?!)

I came up with the perfect way for you to spend Valentine’s Day this year. Put those little monsters comedians to bed, open up the cocktail of your choice, make some popcorn, find a spot on the couch with your spouse and get reading. Laughter really does bring you closer.

Here is where it gets fun: A GIVEAWAY. Who doesn’t like free stuff? Hell I get excited when I open the mailbox and find a free sample of laundry detergent. I might need to get out more but I digress. Send me your funniest kid related material in 140 characters or less and you will be entered to win a FREE copy of The Big Book of Parenting Tweets signed by yours truly. I can’t promise you my signature will be worth anything one day but are you really willing to take that chance? No of course not. 

Send your funny “tweet” to me via Twitter, by commenting on this blog post or by commenting on the Facebook thread. I will then choose the top 10 and the winner will be chosen by a top secret panel of judges (okay my fellow contributors in the book).  All submissions have to be in by February 20^th. (That gives you enough time to recoup from all the Valentine’s Day romance laughter. What are you waiting for? Get writing. 

Looking to get your copy today?  It’s available on Amazon. It would make a great gift for the one you love. 

Looking for some inspiration so you can find your funny? 

If You Give A Toddler...Anything

If you give a toddler a crayon know that at some point she may draw you a beautiful picture…on the freshly painted wall.  Then she might drop said crayon into the heater so that come winter you wind up with a rainbow made of wax on your floor.

If you give a toddler a marker accept the fact that he will probably draw a mustache on the dog.

If you give a toddler Play-Doh you will find dried Play-Doh for months in places like your bed after that one big lapse in judgment.

If you give a toddler a cup of juice and tell him to be careful not to spill you have most certainly guaranteed that he will in fact spill it…everywhere.

If you give a toddler yogurt on a Monday and she loves every bit of it she will hate it when you try to give it to her on Friday. 

If you give a toddler his own clothes to put on after breakfast you will still have a naked toddler at dinner.

If you give a toddler a time line you will most certainly be even later than you planned.

If you give a toddler free reign of the house you will most likely wind up with toilet paper all the way down your hallway leading to him in your bathroom having a party.

 

If you give a toddler a hug you will get a hug in return that makes you forget about all the other stuff until you try to bake cookies “with” your toddler the very next day.

Eli Pacheco Guest Post: What If Dads Carried a Purse

Today I am so lucky to have Eli Pacheco of Coach Daddy. A couple weeks ago I wrote a post for Eli about The five things I've lost as a mother. He was so fun to work with I decided I had to have him over on Outsmarted Mommy. I figured I had to run him on a Friday since I have my Motherhood Monday series with all my awesome Mommy bloggers why not have him for my very first (and possibly only) Fatherhood Friday. Eli has three girls so I can't imagine he will feel out of his element amongst all us ladies. Please give him a warm welcome ( I know you will) and enjoy this hilarious post about what men would carry if they too walked around with handbags.  

History has a history of shaming men.

Walk the plank, matey. Don the orange jumpsuit, inmate. Ride a scooter, ye of the DWI.

Few are as painful - or universal - as when we're left holding the bag. You know, your lady's purse. Or pocket book, for you Southerners. What in the name of Chewbacca is in those things, lady?

 

Things would be different if the fellas carried around handbags.

We fellas jam what we can into our wallet, until they're lousy with receipts and shopping lists. Some men stuff their dashboards with everything from Big Mac boxes to boatloads of invoices. And don't even look in our trunks.

But If I had to carry a bag - and I don't, and I won't - but if I did, it'd be svelte and efficient. And I'll tell you just what would go in it. This doesn't mean I have any desire to know what's in yours.

Beyond chapstick and used tissue, that is.

Keys, mobile phones and wallet belong in a man's pockets. Why else do men wear cargo pants? If I swim against the tide and place these items in my bag, I'll just induce the famous panic grab.

You've seen it: It's when a man spontaneously pats every pocket he has to locate keys, phone and wallet. It's like an inner swat team, dispatched to find the essentials his wife will yell at him for losing.

Behold, my list. I've included justification, although, aren't they self-explanatory?

 

Deck of cards

Got caught holding a purse for 45 minutes or more? Induce a mind-numbing game of go-fish with the kids. Or play war with another unsuspecting chap trapped in the Today's Woman section at Kohl's.

 

Beef jerky

Stranded in a broken elevator, traffic jam or poetry reading? Snap into a Slim Jim. It's not as tasty as homemade jerky, but the packaged stuff if perfect for survivalists.

 

Baseball (with a sharpie)

You never know if you'll meet someone autograph worthy. I saw former US soccer star Danielle Fotopoulos in a pizza joint in Greensboro once. I asked her to sign my baseball.

Danielle: "You want a soccer player to sign a baseball?"

Me: "Yes. This way, you'll never forget me."

Danielle: "Yeah - as the freak who asked me to sign a baseball!"

*-she was smiling when she said this.

Stormtroopers

Such a fixture of my blog. I would carry my trio - the original, the Hoth trim, and Endor fatigues. You never know when a photo op will break out. A 42-year-old man carrying Star Wars figures is normal. My mom says so.

 

Sunglasses

I won these beauts in a giveaway on Work in Sweats Mama blog. This from the man who splurges on dollar-store glasses. These make me feel pretty like Ponch. So I keep them in their sheath and case like a good boy.

Sunflower seeds

This satisfies not only my sodium requirements, but also my kids' need to spit. It's a lot of work to get a little seed out of a little shell with just your mouth stuff. But we men specialize in all things hard work and limited reward.

 

Notebook and pen

Handy for those fleeting Go Ask Daddy questions that pop up at inopportune times. You know, like during illegal traffic maneuvers and weed-infested searches for lost golf discs. It will make you look official as a coach if you don't have a clipboard handy, too.

Animal crackers

Would a vegetarian eat animal crackers? It doesn't matter in my family. These are life-giving, and I could do much worse. A boxful of these critters staves off post-practice hunger until I can get the kidlets home for apples.

 

Cords. lots of cords.

Everything needs charging, you know? And nothing gets a fella in hot water quicker than letting your cell battery die. Unless you come home late with glitter all over your shirt. In which case, you'd better grab your bag.

You'll need the beef jerky and animal crackers while you sleep out in the yard.

# # #

 

When he's not rounding up stellar sentences for the 6 Words challenge or answer the kids' questions, Eli Pacheco writes a blog called Coach Daddy.  You can find him on Google Plus, Twitter and even Pinterest, where he feels as comfortable as a window-shopper in Victoria's Secret.

Repeat After Me, DO NOT Repeat What Mommy Says

Today Alyson of The Shitastrophy joins us for Motherhood Monday with a post about getting caught with her tail between her legs and wishing she had bit her tongue...well at least in front of her son anyway. We've all done it, said something about someone in front of our kids that we shouldn't have. We don't all get caught but let Alyson's story be a lesson to you before it's too late. I have a special love for Alyson, not just because she says it like it is (which I love) and is always hilarious when she does (which I also love) but because she is originally from NJ and because we share a like for a certain four letter word. So let's lighten things up today and have a laugh. Learn about her here and you will love her as much as I do.

Originally from NJ, Alyson now lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has to make a conscious effort to not curse in most conversations. She is the mother of two kids that provide constant fodder for her blog, The Shitastrophy. Her husband lives in fear that every thing he does or says will be highlighted in her next post, Face Book update, or Tweet. Alyson loves her two huge Bernese Mountain Dogs, even if they do eat their weight in food each month. You can follow Alyson on her blog The Shitastrophy, on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Google + 

I have had (see how that was past tense, you’ll know why in a second) a habit of saying things when my kids were around that in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have. I was not aware that they were actually listening or I would have not said anything in the first place. I am sure everyone has had this, at least I hope so. One day though I realized my kids do listen, and that they will repeat what I say.

Last year my oldest was in second grade and just turned 8. This kid never listens to me. To get his attention I have to actually scream his last name at him! I blame this on the fact that his class had 4 Jacob’s. I went to school with 6 Allison’s, Alison’s, Alyson’s so I know how this can be. Whenever I want him to do something, or have a conversation with him, I have to practically hit the floor right in front of him to get eye contact. What this kid lacks in attention though he has double the dose in memory. For those that know me, he clearly does not get this from me. Just when I thought he never listens I learn that he actually does listen, just not when I want him to.

His school had a pickup procedure that entailed parking your car and walking up to a general area to collect your child. It was a gorgeous September day and I was running a little late for pickup. Thank God because that meant only a few people would hear my horrible parenting move. I pulled into the lot like I was right out of NASCAR, got out of the car and ran up to get my two chitlins. Jacob was standing on the top of the church staircase talking to a little boy from his class. I was not a super fan of this child’s parents and apparently I had said something about my lack of love for the mother within earshot of Jake. Not good.

Soon as I walked up to get Jake the other boy said to me, “Why did you call my mom crazy?”

Uhhhhhh What? My mind went blank. Fuck.

“Oh honey, I didn’t call your mom crazy.” I totally called his mom crazy. I grabbed Jake’s arm and told him we needed to get his sister and leave.

Jacob looked at me and said, “No Mom you did call his mom Crazy, remember?”
“No honey, you must have misunderstood me. I would never do that.” Uh, yea I totally did that. How the hell was I gonna get out of this?

I was giving Jacob the stink eye but he was not even aware of it, typical. I looked at the little boy standing on the stairs and he was genuinely upset, who wouldn’t be? I called his mom a name that I shouldn’t have. I never thought that this little guy would have heard my unflattering comments about his mom. When you are in 2nd grade you still like your mom. Hell some people even still like their mom in adulthood.
Jacob further helped dig the hole I was halfway in when he continued demanding that I did in fact say that.

“Yes, Mom you did call his mom Crazy. Remember we were in the car and you were on the phone with so and so. You said his mom is CRAZY.”

I looked at the little boy and thought, it’s official I am an asshole. I explained to the little boy that I would not have said that because that would have been wrong and mean. I am totally going to hell for lying to this kid, while I am on the church steps nonetheless! I couldn’t cop to it. How do you shatter a 8 year old’s opinion of his mother. Cause seriously that chick is totally crazy.

I got Jacob by the elbow and literally pulled him away from the scene of the crime. All the while he was demanding, loudly for anyone within a 15 foot radius, that I did in fact call her crazy. Thanks buddy.

I then turned into my mother when the phrase I hated hearing as a child came out of my mouth to my son, “Jacob what happens in our home stay’s in our home.”
Oh my God! I not only lied on church property, hurt an 8 year old’s feelings, but I just became my mother all in a matter of minutes. WTF just happened?

 

Girlfriends: They Get Better With Age

When you are a teenager you’re lucky if you have one, two or possibly three girlfriends you can actually call real and know that they are in fact your friends. Of course as a teenager this means they are not going to steal your boyfriend or even a boy that you like who will never actually be your boyfriend.  It also means they will have your back rather than talk behind it and it means that they accept you for you, which in and of itself is a huge task for teens.  I have to say I was one of the lucky ones. On the day I graduated high school I graduated knowing I had three…that’s right three girls who had my back no matter what.  Now that I am older (let’s not calculate how much older) I appreciate girlfriends more than I ever have.

Girlfriends are like wine and cheese, they get better with age. Sure when you are a teenager you think you need 875 friends in order to feel important, but as you get older you realize perhaps three or four really is the perfect number.  The older you get the more you need your girls. Yes even if you have a husband, children, a boyfriend, a partner you still need your girlfriends.

Your girlfriends make your other relationships better. They make you better. As you get older your girlfriends are like air…you need them to survive.  As a mom there are days that I could just pull my hair out. I know. I know. How hard can it really be right? It’s not that it’s hard in a I dig gravel by hand and throw it in a ditch all day type of way or I do quantum physics that our government depends on for the latest in space travel type of way so ease off all you mommy haters. It’s more of a holy crap I haven’t talked to anyone over the age of 5 in three whole flipping days, and I haven’t showered in….AH CRAP WHEN DID I SHOWER, type of way.  It’s hard in an I have to get to work and our kid is sick AGAIN who’s staying home type of way. It’s hard in a how am I making this meeting and the parade at school type of way. It’s hard. It just is. The days can feel long and would I change them? No. Would you change them? No. Would I do them without having my girls to call when I need them? Would I be half the mom I am without having my girls to laugh with, cry to (and not a sniffle but instead the ugly snort snot all over yourself cry) and just talk to? Hell no and neither would you! Here are the top ten reasons you need those girls around you.

1.       A girlfriend will laugh with you at things that your significant other thinks are utterly ridiculous. Holy crap I walked around with baby poop on my forehead all day long and no one told me. I want to cry. What are you laughing at?! Okay it is pretty funny. Fill my wine glass and let’s laugh about this for at least an hour.

2.       Who else can you bitch to about that one random chin hair you suddenly have? Okay teenagers laugh all you want but one day this will happen to you and when it does you will need a girlfriend to talk to about it.

3.       Your husband wants to know why you’re “too tired”. He should probably just ask your girlfriend because the two of you talked about it over lunch while the kids ran around chasing the dog. It went something like this. I am so flipping tired. Oh god me too! Why do the kids never stop? I have three deadlines this week and no sitters. I have to clean the everlasting mess that is this house and apparently everyone is hungry in this house. All. The. Time. I get into bed at night and I feel like I just ran a marathon that I didn’t train for properly.  OMG the marathon! Is that this weekend? Crap.  I have so much laundry to do. AHHHHHHHHH!

4.       Who else will stop you from crying and somehow make you laugh about the fact that NONE of your clothes fit you after having a baby (What the what? Why don’t they fit? I had him three days ago?) After  my first son was born I got in the shower and looked down at my belly and instead of crying I started hysterically laughing because seriously in all the books I had read no one told me about the bowl full of jelly that would be my belly. There was not one celebrity magazine that showed this jiggle wiggle. What the what?!

5.       There is nothing you can’t say to your girlfriends. I mean nothing.  You just had a kid. You want to talk about your cracking nipples? Fine. You want to talk about how you may have been that person who pooped on the delivery table? Great! You want to talk about how you feel sad and overwhelmed? Hugs and support are waiting. You want to talk about how the dog you once loved is getting on your ever last nerve ever since you had your baby? Fine and no judging FYI! You are having trouble getting pregnant? Hugs, wine, tissues and shoulders are waiting. You’re still single and want to talk about your awesomely fun weekend out? Please tell us every detail…slowly.

6.       You need girlfriends who understand you. Even the crazy parts of you. I may have an issue with cleaning, as in I do it too much. All my girlfriends know this about me. Do they make fun of me? Hell yes! Do they still love me? Absolutely. I may have a girlfriend who feels the need to read every depressing and horrific story she comes across online. She then shares these nightmares with her girlfriends. Do we make fun of her? A little. Do we text her hours later telling her the story is haunting us too? Hell YES! We understand each other.

7.       No matter how old you are and how clean you claim to eat you still need a night every now and then when you throw caution to the wind. You need a night when all your girlfriends come over and they all come with a bottle of wine. You break out the cheese, crackers, crudité, dip, organic corn chips, and grapes (because you’re almost 40 and you have to keep it classy). Two hours into your gathering you’re breaking out the vodka, Doritos and Ben & Jerry’s and the laughs are worth every single calorie and then some!

8.       No matter how many times you ask your spouse if your outfit looks good you will never quite believe him the way you will your girlfriends. They are always honest. Always.

9.       Through your successes and your disappointments no one is there as consistently as your girlfriends. They will greet you with balloons and wine on your big promotion. They will come over unannounced and let you cry on their shoulder with no words uttered about the reason for your sadness. They will drop it all. They will drop it for you.

10.   According to data women out live men by 10 years. Who the hell else are you going to sky dive with, travel to Tuscany with and spend your last ten years laughing with?  Your girlfriends that’s who!

So you see girlfriends really do get better with age and I’m pretty sure the best part of aging with your girlfriends is that the themes all stay the same…wrinkles, flab, wine, cheese, accidental poop stories and uncontrollable laughter. 

 

*This post is dedicated to all my girls*

A Not-So Picture Perfect Christmas

Every year when the holidays arrive we are immersed into a month of all things jolly. There’s the music, the movies, the decorations, the parties, the cards, the eggnog, the cookies, the cookies oh and the cookies! Out of all the things that let us know that yes it is almost time for the big fat jolly guy in the red suit to arrive; there is one that is by far my all -time favorite…the infamous Santa picture.  

Every year come December parents from near and far can be found breaking out into a sweat getting their cute little Johnny into his perfect little holiday outfit with a matching cap, or hoping and praying that little Sally doesn’t spit up all over her perfect little dress before they get to the front of the 5 ½ mile line at the mall.  We can be found bribing our kids to get along while we wait because “Santa is watching” for Pete’s sake HE’S RIGHT THERE! PLEASE STOP FIGHTING!!!  We spend more time prepping our children for these pictures than we spend prepping ourselves all week long. (Okay maybe that’s just me.)

After all the preparation and waiting on a never ending line many of these pictures don’t go the way we planned in our minds.  I will never forget when my now 5 year old was 17 months. I picked out a cute little outfit and dragged my husband with me for the Santa picture because I was determined to use it for our card that year. The picture I had in my head was my 17 month old sitting on Santa’s lap with a perfect little smile even if it meant me jumping up and down behind the camera trying to get him to laugh all while my husband just rolled his eyes at my insanity.  I was fine with that.

The only thing that went as planned was parking the car and walking into the building.  The rest went something like this:

Is that Santa?! This is awesome!



 



Okay so we are going to go over to the other side of this fence at some point? Hmm. Not sure about that.

Now please clarify...you want ME to sit on HIS lap? And why is the girl behind me crying?

No seriously WHO IS THIS GUY?!!

Mom you look like an idiot stop jumping up and down and sticking your tongue out!

This is as good as it's going to get Mom & Dad. Let's go! End scene.

.

And so we left. Don't worry we treated the poor kid to an ice cream sundae afterwards and trust me he was smiling from ear to ear. I remember saying to my husband, well so much for a Santa picture for our card. He laughed and agreed that it hadn't gone the way we thought it would. Later that night we got home and as I looked over the pictures I couldn't help but start laughing. I decided to use the pictures for our card anyway and people absolutely loved it. I mean let's face it the holidays can get stressful, with all the shopping, the crazy family, and the running around it's hard sometimes to just sit back and smile. These pictures made us do just that. I know one day I will show them to my son and he will laugh. It's kind of like a childhood rite of passage. Every kid has to have some ridiculous picture with Santa for their photo book.  Clearly we can check that off the list.

 





Ten Reasons You Will Never Sleep Like You Did Before Kids

The other day as I stood bleary eyed watching my coffee brew  I drifted off into a daydream. I started remembering the mornings before kids. The get up on your own time Saturday mornings, the roll over at 9am on a rainy Sunday and wake up feeling completely rested.  They say your brain doesn’t function properly if you don’t get enough sleep. Well I can tell you my brain hasn’t functioned properly in 5 years, 5 months, 8 days and 10 hours. As I came out of my daydream I realized just how poorly my brain was functioning as I watched my coffee brew all over the counter and onto the floor because I never put the mug under it.

  If you have ever been in a conversation with a group of parents you have probably had a conversation based solely around the topic of sleep. As parents it seems to be the thing we all obsess over the most. We talk about how tired we are, how little the baby slept the night before, how the older kid was up with a stomach ache and the middle kid was up from a bad dream. We ask each other about it. How old was little Johnny when he slept through the night? What time do your kids get up in the morning? Is it still dark? Does Suzy try to sleep in your bed ever? It seems that once you become a parent the nights of long, beautiful, uninterrupted sleep are long gone but are they really? Yes, YES THEY ARE so grab some coffee (don’t forget the cup) and read the ten reasons you will never sleep like you did before you had kids.  

 

1.      You brought home a beautiful newborn. They are trying to make up for nine months of being in utero. They don’t want to sleep in fear that they will miss something earth shattering. When they realize nothing exciting is happening at 3am they will decide they will be the excitement. Thank God for 3am Law and Order reruns.

2.      Your adorable baby is desperately trying to crawl. Did you know that reaching a milestone like this can cause your FINALLY SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT baby to wake up crying, frequently throughout the night? Yeah I didn’t either until my Dr. told me that’s why he was waking up.  Apparently I have over achievers who are still trying to accomplish things in their sleep.  I may have spent the whole next day showing him how to crawl so we could jump up and down, applaud like raging lunatics and hopefully get some sleep that night.

3.      Teething. I’m telling you I have never thought teeth with more overrated than I do now. I watched my kids eat food with just their gums and I’m pretty convinced we don’t really need teeth.  I mainly feel this way because I want to sleep and teething gets in the way.

4.      Leaky Diapers. There is nothing worse than waking up to a crying baby or toddler only to walk into the room at 3am and get hit in the face with the smell of urine. It’s 3 am and you now have to change your baby’s diaper and the crib sheet which is essentially like wrestling an alligator in a small cage. Trust me the alligator wins every single time.

 

5.      Colds. I don’t know about you guys but when I’m sick all I want to do is SLEEP. When my kids are sick though all they want to do is get up all night long.  I inevitably wind up sick when they are better. I mean of course I’m sick I got a total of 3.2 hours of sleep in one whole week. I also look 10 years older.

 

6.      Monsters are under the bed. Well if we’re being honest the monsters are in the bed but you have to check under the bed and in the closet to convince them that it is all clear and they can safely close their eyes for the next 8-10 hours, which they apparently hear as minutes and will call for you to tell you that.

 

7.      They need water. I don’t know what my kids are doing in their sleep to work up such a thirst but I’m starting to suspect they do some type of sleep aerobics.

 

8.      They heard something, and you are not allowed to leave their room until you decipher exactly what that something was. Just blame the dog and call it a night.

 

9.      You are foolishly in the soundest of sleeps only to wake up to a kid 2 inches from your face. It only takes one time of this happening for you to sleep with one eye opened for the rest of your existence.

 

10.  Kids have endless energy. Those mornings of easing into the day have been replaced with waking up like a shot out of a cannon.

 

So 5 years, 5 months, 8 days and 10 hours into this whole parenthood thing I have finally accepted that I will never sleep like I did oh say 7 years ago. I have also become pretty good at knowing what the necessities are for surviving; coffee, coffee, and more coffee.  I’m also secretly planning my revenge for when my boys are teenagers (can you say trumpets at 6am)  so that keeps me going all while continuing to hunt down the person who first said “I slept like a baby last night.” Because they either a) were an idiot, b) never met a baby c)  have a baby that needs to teach every other baby on the planet how to sleep. If I find them I will let you know. Until then stay strong my friends.

 

Ten Things That Will Change After Kids

Kids change everything.  No really they change everything.  There are many things they change for the better. So before you get all bent out of shape and say I don’t appreciate my beautiful children read this: A Letter to My Boys and then maybe this: No One Ever Said It Would Be Easy See I do. I love every ounce of my two boys but let’s be honest they change things and there are some things that will never quite be the same.

 

1.      Sleep. I know this is obvious but really you will never sleep like you did before children. When they are newborns you are up because they are up, when they are toddlers there are sick nights, teething, separation anxiety and requests for anything from a binky to a bunny. When they are older there are bad dreams, a need for more water, they are suddenly hungry, they heard something outside that sounded like a dog crying next to a deer that is looking for its mommy. There are nights you will be gently scare the living daylights out of you woken up by a child standing 2 inches from  your face.  You never sleep as deeply as you did before kids, not ever.

2.      Dinner. That’s right dinner will never be the same again. Nor will any other meal for that matter but dinner especially.  It would be easier to enjoy a meal at a zoo after throwing food into the cages for the animals. I must get up and down 6 times during dinner. Someone needs more milk or more water. They already used up their napkin.  They dropped their fork or their spoon. I don’t like this but I want more of this. Forget hearing your spouse speak. You have a better chance of finding the mom of that damn deer  your kid heard last night and speaking to the damn dog about it.  Oh and you are going out to dinner you say? Well you will be so used to eating so fast while at home that the two of you will be staring at one another thinking wow so we ate everything in 10 minutes flat. Go out more.  You will eventually learn to relax again.

3.      Vacations. Yikes don’t even get me started on the beach. I wrote all about that here: The Beach but honestly gone are the vacations of relaxing on a sandy beach or skiing all day and then grabbing drinks at the lodge. You have kids so you will be building sandcastles ALL DAY LONG or taking someone off the slopes to pee for the 5^th time in an hour because “mommy the cold makes me have to pee”.  You will find yourself vacationing at spots that smell of chocolate all day long or lodges that mimic the great outdoors but smell like chlorine. You will go to amusement parks, zoos, farms, and places where you can make your own bears.  Some years you will skip a vacation all together because money and time just aren’t on your side.

4.      Sex (yup I said it) gone are the days of being spontaneous. It becomes more of a "hey how about Wednesday?" I don’t think we have anything on Wednesday, that is until Wednesday comes along and you can barely stay awake past 7:45. Of course if you do have energy left you then have to make sure the kids are soundly asleep. Wait what was that? I think one of them is up? Did you hear that?  Oh yeah so spontaneous!

5.      Showers.  If you can actually fit a shower in it will not be as relaxing as the days before children. Your children can be sound asleep or better yet not even home yet somehow when you are in the shower you will swear you hear one or all of them crying, screaming, begging for snacks, or fighting with each other.  Maybe they let a mountain lion and a goat in the back door and now the mountain lion is chasing the goat. The dog got in the mix and the kids are chasing all of them.  You will get out of the shower one too many times with too much conditioner still in your hair and only one leg shaved.

6.      Shopping. I am laughing crying just thinking about shopping with the kids. Grocery shopping with kids means you will certainly wind up with at least 4 items in your cart that you never intended on buying two of which you won’t even know about until you are already on the checkout line. "Marty I need a price check on this economy size of Adult Diapers!" "Whoa hold on I did not put THOSE in my cart!" Any other kind of shopping: You can forget trying on clothes. There is no fitting room on the planet big enough for you and your children or their opinions on what you are trying on.  TRUST ME! Shopping is now a race. It is not a race against time as much as it’s a race against the ticking time bomb you have in the stroller.  No one wants to be in the middle of a store when their toddler throws an over tired temper tantrum. No one.

7.      Crime Shows: I love a good crime show. Law and Order, CSI, Without a Trace, Criminal Minds and Cold Case I loved them all. Once you have children you will never be able to watch one of these shows without it sending you into a complete worried, over reaction of running into your child’s room and sleeping next to them for the next 120 nights.

8.      A clean house:  Hahahhahahahahaha no really hahahahhahahaha. An entire clean house all at one time? Sure for five minutes so soak it in and may I suggest taking a picture so you can look at it while you are crying after stepping on 15 Legos and what you can only hope is a mushed banana.

9.      Long car rides:  I used to love getting in the car for a nice long ride somewhere with my husband. We would turn up the music, talk about our week and take in the scenery. Long car rides now mean constant complaints about what’s on the radio, questions about when we will arrive at our destination, crying and fighting because “He’s looking at me.” And of course at least 6 requests to stop to pee or get something to eat. Ahhh they are so fun.

10.  A Night Out with your friends and one too many cocktails: All I can say about this one is please see #1, #4 & #5. It’s just never the same and taking care of the kids can bring on a headache so starting out the day that way is just never a good idea.  *A good laugh and one too many drinks out with your friends once in a while though can cure a whole heck of a lot so sometimes the headache IS TOTALLY worth it!*

 

Don't worry I hear things get back to normal once your kids move out, get married and have kids of their own.  So I guess when I'm 105 I will be sleeping soundly, eating slowly, taking peaceful showers and not giving a crap about the rest of the list.