Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Beach: People With Kids vs. People Without Kids

I have two boys.  They require a crap ton of preparation before heading to the beach. As much as I adore summer and the time I get with them I find myself sometimes longing for the days when all it took to go to the beach was me, a towel and a good book. Those days are long gone and I can tell you from experience it is pretty easy to pick out who has kids on a beach and who doesn’t. Kids don’t need to be anywhere near people to tell if they have them or not.                                 

People with kids have two tons of crap with them. No really. They have boogies boards, kick boards, noodles, buckets, shovels, rakes, plastic things shaped like stars and turtles, coolers, chairs, towels (enough for way more than the amount of people with them) 8 varieties of sunscreen, (baby sunscreen, face sunscreen, sunscreen in the form of a stick, spray, cream, sweat proof, water proof, keep you looking like Casper guaranteed), umbrellas, and a big giant blanket.


People without kids have a towel, a chair and a cooler.


People with kids have a cooler filled with juice boxes, sandwiches, pretzels, goldfish, watermelon, grapes, granola bars, water, cookies, chips, crackers, cheese, yogurt sticks, strawberries and a baked ham for the love of Pete. There is pretty much nothing left in the kitchen of their home. It’s all in the damn cooler.


People without kids have beer, water (if they’re smart) and a sandwich.


People with kids look exhausted before they even set up for the day. They seriously look like they need a nap, an IV of coffee and possibly a hospital stay.


People without kids look either hung over or well rested. There is nothing in between.


People with kids set up beach chairs but never sit in them for all that long. They are either building a sand castle, getting their kids a snack, chasing a  kid,  calming a crying kid, applying sunscreen to a kid, preventing a kid from going out to sea or looking around and wondering how long everyone will stay happy.  They absolutely never get to sit back and close their eyes. No sir. People with kids are like Prison Wardens…always watching.


People without kids are sitting in their chairs, holding conversations, sipping a beer, or simply watching the waves.  They may even *GASP* get to close their eyes and take a nap. (I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it)


When people with kids decide it’s time to leave the beach it’s usually because the kids are crying, hitting each other, pooped through a stupid flipping swimmy diaper or there are no snacks left to keep the kids quiet.  It takes them approximately 45 minutes and 12 seconds to pack up all the crap they showed up with.  They may actually NEED a hospital stay at this point.

They head to their mini vans and SUVs and throw all the crap in the back. They then load up all the kids, get in the car and head home to relax. HAHAHAHHAHAHA No that’s not right. They head home to give a bunch of tired kids baths, feed them (kids seriously eat ALL THE TIME) and hopefully get them to bed before they themselves are face first in a plate of cold spaghetti.


People without kids fold up their chairs and head off the beach to a bar.  They then go home take peaceful hot showers and sleep for 14 hours.


So listen people without kids enjoy your days at the beach. Every now and then give us a wave and a smile of sympathy and if you ever happen to catch our tired asses out at a bar buy us a drink. We had to get our kids ready, hire a sitter and oh forget it that’s a whole other story.

While you may remember the chaos your children will only remember the happiness







  1. One of the things I dread most is that rosy look on my husbands face when he starts talking about how GREAT it will be to take the kids to the beach

    1. Pack cocktails and tell him to chase the kids! :)

  2. It's ALWAYS an adventure!

  3. Cannot tell you how much I miss the beach. Two weeks on Cape Cod and 2 weeks on Marco Island per year just doesn't cut it. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather go with my kids at their worst than not be able to go.

    That said, last time we were on the Cape, my son got stung by a jellyfish. Last time we were on Marco the kids were petting a hammerhead. Things sure do get interesting with kids at the beach.

    1. I would miss it too I must admit. Ah sister was always getting stung by them when we were kids. It became the joke of every vacation. :)

  4. I do love the beach...and my kid's face when she finds out that we are headed in that direction. However, I secretly cringed this week when I found out that we were going to the beach/shore for a few days...there's definite work involved and sometimes, I just don't want to do it.

  5. Don't worry, as the kids get older it gets a little easier! They stop eating sand, stop sprinting down the entire length of the beach like their butts are on fire, and stop crying over missing shovels. Instead they learn to swim, play with each other in the water, and only bug you for food, which I don't think they'll ever outgrow! But, if like me, you decide after a 10 year gap to have another baby, you'll find all that stuff comes right back ;)

  6. Once they get older, they can carry the crap! I'm still at the parents carry it all and leaving when the kids "say" it's time ( when they start getting tired). We will miss it once it's gone, or so I keep telling myself. Happy totting junk around summer to you!!

  7. HaHa!!! Just got back from a week at the beach and this is all so so true!!

  8. Lol you had me cracking up! This is so true! We went to the beach with our 3 girls last week (ages 2,4 and 8) and that pretty much how it went! I am still picking up sand that I am finding in random places!