Friday, June 20, 2014

Eli Pacheco Guest Post: What If Dads Carried a Purse

Today I am so lucky to have Eli Pacheco of Coach Daddy. A couple weeks ago I wrote a post for Eli about The five things I've lost as a mother. He was so fun to work with I decided I had to have him over on Outsmarted Mommy. I figured I had to run him on a Friday since I have my Motherhood Monday series with all my awesome Mommy bloggers why not have him for my very first (and possibly only) Fatherhood Friday. Eli has three girls so I can't imagine he will feel out of his element amongst all us ladies. Please give him a warm welcome ( I know you will) and enjoy this hilarious post about what men would carry if they too walked around with handbags.  





History has a history of shaming men.

Walk the plank, matey. Don the orange jumpsuit, inmate. Ride a scooter, ye of the DWI.
Few are as painful - or universal - as when we're left holding the bag. You know, your lady's purse. Or pocket book, for you Southerners. What in the name of Chewbacca is in those things, lady?
 
Things would be different if the fellas carried around handbags.
We fellas jam what we can into our wallet, until they're lousy with receipts and shopping lists. Some men stuff their dashboards with everything from Big Mac boxes to boatloads of invoices. And don't even look in our trunks.
But If I had to carry a bag - and I don't, and I won't - but if I did, it'd be svelte and efficient. And I'll tell you just what would go in it. This doesn't mean I have any desire to know what's in yours.
Beyond chapstick and used tissue, that is.
Keys, mobile phones and wallet belong in a man's pockets. Why else do men wear cargo pants? If I swim against the tide and place these items in my bag, I'll just induce the famous panic grab.
You've seen it: It's when a man spontaneously pats every pocket he has to locate keys, phone and wallet. It's like an inner swat team, dispatched to find the essentials his wife will yell at him for losing.
Behold, my list. I've included justification, although, aren't they self-explanatory?
 

Deck of cards

Got caught holding a purse for 45 minutes or more? Induce a mind-numbing game of go-fish with the kids. Or play war with another unsuspecting chap trapped in the Today's Woman section at Kohl's.
 

Beef jerky

Stranded in a broken elevator, traffic jam or poetry reading? Snap into a Slim Jim. It's not as tasty as homemade jerky, but the packaged stuff if perfect for survivalists.
 

Baseball (with a sharpie)

You never know if you'll meet someone autograph worthy. I saw former US soccer star Danielle Fotopoulos in a pizza joint in Greensboro once. I asked her to sign my baseball.
Danielle: "You want a soccer player to sign a baseball?"
Me: "Yes. This way, you'll never forget me."
Danielle: "Yeah - as the freak who asked me to sign a baseball!"
*-she was smiling when she said this.

Stormtroopers

Such a fixture of my blog. I would carry my trio - the original, the Hoth trim, and Endor fatigues. You never know when a photo op will break out. A 42-year-old man carrying Star Wars figures is normal. My mom says so.
 

Sunglasses

I won these beauts in a giveaway on Work in Sweats Mama blog. This from the man who splurges on dollar-store glasses. These make me feel pretty like Ponch. So I keep them in their sheath and case like a good boy.

Sunflower seeds

This satisfies not only my sodium requirements, but also my kids' need to spit. It's a lot of work to get a little seed out of a little shell with just your mouth stuff. But we men specialize in all things hard work and limited reward.
 

Notebook and pen

Handy for those fleeting Go Ask Daddy questions that pop up at inopportune times. You know, like during illegal traffic maneuvers and weed-infested searches for lost golf discs. It will make you look official as a coach if you don't have a clipboard handy, too.

Animal crackers

Would a vegetarian eat animal crackers? It doesn't matter in my family. These are life-giving, and I could do much worse. A boxful of these critters staves off post-practice hunger until I can get the kidlets home for apples.
 

Cords. lots of cords.

Everything needs charging, you know? And nothing gets a fella in hot water quicker than letting your cell battery die. Unless you come home late with glitter all over your shirt. In which case, you'd better grab your bag.
You'll need the beef jerky and animal crackers while you sleep out in the yard.
# # #
 
When he's not rounding up stellar sentences for the 6 Words challenge or answer the kids' questions, Eli Pacheco writes a blog called Coach Daddy.  You can find him on Google Plus, Twitter and even Pinterest, where he feels as comfortable as a window-shopper in Victoria's Secret.

44 comments:

  1. Jennifer - it's an honor to be here! Friday is a perfect day for fatherhood. I need your honest opinion on my leopard-skin bag, though. Grace picked it - she took all the pictures, too. I just don't know if I should carry it after Labor Day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So happy to have you here. You can't go wrong with animal print. It works all year round! :)

      Delete
    2. Well animal crackers and animal prints seem a natural combination. This is a man's brain talking.

      Delete
    3. Clearly a natural combination. Clearly!

      Delete
    4. Isn't this what women call a theme?

      Delete
  2. That's really not so different from my purse. I carry a Sharpie, although it's more for rock stars than sports stars. And bubbles instead of cards. And Goldfish instead of sunflower seeds. And blotting papers, a nail file, pressed powder, and scented lotion instead of beef jerky. Pretty much samesies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally samesies. You guys could switch and you wouldn't eve know it! I have to say I prefer the scented lotion over the beef jerky for sure.

      Delete
    2. But doesn't your bag have pantiliners and used tissue in it? The Sharpies are multi-purpose - good enough for Peyton Manning or Kesha. Bubbles leak. The Goldfish probably would have bought me more shop time in Target with my youngest, I'll concede.

      What are blotting papers? Other than that, we're a match.

      Delete
    3. @Jennifer Lizza: The beef-jerky-scented lotion is the bomb.

      Delete
    4. Beef Jerky scenting lotion...hmm you might be able to sell that to a high end men's store. ;)

      Delete
    5. It would go in the same collection as grill-aroma women's perfume (I'd swoon) and pizza-delivery car air freshners (yum).

      Delete
  3. Too funny! This looks like our diaper bag, which has become the family purse. I've tried for YEARS to get my husband to carry a bag, but he knows better. In this family? Whoever has a bag is given TONS of crapola to "just hold for a minute."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Joy! Know what else turns into the family purse? A dad's cargo shorts. Not even Chewbacca's coolness could convince a fella to carry a bag. What we need to do is start packing down the youngest kid in the family like a pack mule.

      Delete
    2. Yes Joy so true tons of crapola tons. And it's never for just a minute. You should see the size of the beach bag I sport. It's really insane! You could fit the Dugger family in it.

      Delete
  4. They're the weirdest, greatest thing. Little rectangles of a floppy plastic-like substance that, when pressed on one's face, suck out all the oil and leave makeup intact. And once you use them, they turn satisfyingly translucent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd want to save them in their translucentness, and that might be considered strange.

      Delete
    2. Can't live without them...unless of course you like the oily look.

      Delete
    3. How does it leave the makeup on? This feels like an infomercial.

      Delete
  5. This is great!! I totally know my husband would agree with the baseball and sharpie! Excellent!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kathy! What if we run into Jeff Bridges or that short girl from Dixie Chicks at the Aldi? You have to be prepared!

      Delete
  6. I see I have come to the right place. I love purses! More than shoes. Blogged about it a year ago. So what's in mine?
    Wallet, phone, iPad, keys, tissues, wipes, spare socks and boxers for C, coloring pencils, miniature notebook, glue, stickers, a plastic thingie that holds vouchers, receipts and C's passport (you need ID to get into mall kids places these days), vanity bag, crackers up to 6 months old and crumbly, I also had some chocolate but it melted and made a mess, so it had to go. That's about it. Oh, wait, lately, I also carried around the Panini soccer stickers album and an envelope with the "to be traded" player stickers.
    Question: Guys would rather be caught holding a lady's purse for %(*?/" 45 minutes than having a cool, manly bag of their own?

    ReplyDelete
  7. That's a great idea, spare boxers. I think a grown man should pack those, just in case.

    Did you guys get all the stickers before the Cup began?

    I think a cool manly bag, although it would be tough to pull off without looking like a purse. Maybe if it had a dragon on it or spikes. Or looked like Chewbacca's bag. No one ever made fun of Chewbacca.

    ReplyDelete
  8. All I keep picturing Eli is you carrying a man purse like Jerry Seinfeld for some reason this morning, but still love the items you would carry and you make some valid points, as to why you would ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IF I HAD to, you know? I'd want these things. I hope to baby Jesus I never ever have to!

      Delete
  9. If you're going to carry a bag Eli it should be made from the skin of a savage beast that you've fought to the death with your bare hands. On the other hand sequins look good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe I could bedazzle a wolverine pelt.

      Delete
    2. Ha yes!! How about a bear with sequins...like a dancing bear from the circus? :)

      Delete
  10. I've got 2 of those in my camera bag...that's my purse...and I like the sharpie idea! Interesting take on what you would have if you had a "purse"...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two what, Michelle, bags of beef jerky? My mind seems to specialize in the "what if ... "

      Delete
  11. There's something in between homemade jerky and Slim Jims.. Oh yes. Our co-op has pre-packaged chemical-free beef and turkey jerky. And the house stuff is great too. I sometimes have it in the diaper bag because it kept us all going at Disney World.
    I always have jerky and I'm not afraid to use it!
    You know I carry Stormtroopers in my purse, right? Right.
    Animal crackers - yes. I fear I sound manly. I'm not.
    My brother carries sunflower seeds around and he's always offering them! I rarely want them, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd slip some of those in the sack. If I combine the animal crackers, jerky and sunflower seeds, isn't that like native American pemican or something? Maybe not. You have the right idea about jerky - you have to be all in.

      Which Stormtroopers do you carry, T-Bow? I think any Stormtrooper could kick an Imperial guard's butt nine times out of 10.

      My girls make quick work of the seeds. Plus, it occupies them and keeps them off the streets.

      Delete
    2. I went to a party the other day and we played the purse game (yeah I never heard of it either) the one woman would say a letter and we would have to pull something out of our purse that started with it. I'm embarrassed about what I tote around in that thing. She said "P" and I pulled out my 3yo's Power Ranger underwear. She said "F" and I pulled out a play fishing pole, she said "H" and I pulled out a mini Hershey bar that looked like it had melted and reformed itself about 250 times. I think it may be time for me to clean out my purse and throw some storm troopers in there to fix things.

      Delete
  12. You never fail to make me laugh, Eli! This was awesome and I especially like the part about coming home covered in glitter...just grab the bag, man. And run! BTW, did I tell you that one of the boys that played ball at my stepdaughter's high school was drafted by the Rockies? Forrest Wall (sp?)....totally off topic but...well, you know. Just in case one day you need that ball and Sharpie and it's his autograph you seek. You can think of me...I just watched him graduate from high school three weeks ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sandy! I felt like all my stuff had been seriously lately ... so I was glad Meredith gave me a chance to do some funny, too. If a guy comes home covered in glitter, he can expect to have the bag over his head - and to take a swim in the river.

      Cool about the Rockies' draft pick. We need him to come save us! He might even get assigned to Asheville here in North Carolina. I'll bring the Sharpie next time I'm up there.

      Delete
  13. I read a article under the same title some time ago, but this articles quality is much, much better. How you do this.. mommy influencers

    ReplyDelete
  14. Are you going to buy the leather clutch purse for yourself or as a gift for someone? If it is for yourself, then choose something that you like. leather bags for women If you are going for a more expensive clutch, you might want to buy one that is a solid black.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Totally samesies. You guys could switch and you wouldn't eve know it! I have to say I prefer the scented lotion over the beef jerky for sure.
    if your lawn looks bad

    ReplyDelete
  16. Magical luminous geometric backpacks for men and women! Student School Bags For Teenagers! Grab your Luminous Unique Holographic Geometric Backpack while you can!

    ReplyDelete
  17. There are such a lot of website on net in India to look jobs however i pick pinnacle five task websites which is simplest for freshers and one in all most famous job sites in India. So shall we move without any further postpone !

    tamilnadu government jobs

    ReplyDelete
  18. If you some money to investment in Real estate investment companies in Atlantic NJ then you are at right place and can invest huge without any worry. Call them or visit their website for more details.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Do you often use transport and that is irritate for you? Go and take reliable transportation services in Scottsdale AZ and enjoy the comfort journey.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Die beste Online-Ledertasche Geldbörsen für Männer | Großhändler für Brieftaschen aus Leder - Hmt Lederwaren

    Geldbörsen für Männer Leder werden heute normalerweise in vielen einzigartigen Programmen verwendet. Lederartikel spielen eine starke Marktplatz Rolle, während die gesamte Welt zum Marktplatz wird. Das Geschäft mit laserbasierten Add-Ons ist bedeutend. Diese Accessoires auf Led Basis sind zusammen mit Geldbörsen, Taschen auf Led Basis, Gürteltaschen, Brieftaschen, Handtaschen usw. weltweit gefragt. Es ist verständlich, warum solche massiven Industrien auf Led Basis in letzter Zeit explodiert sind.
    Klick hier:- https://hmtlederwaren.de/

    ReplyDelete
  21. Leder ist ein vielseitiges und langlebiges Material, das häufig zur Herstellung einer breiten Palette von Accessoires verwendet wird. Einige beliebte Lederaccessoires sind:
    Brieftaschen und Geldbörsen: Brieftaschen und Geldbörsen aus Leder sind in verschiedenen Stilen und Größen erhältlich und können zur Aufbewahrung von Bargeld, Kreditkarten und anderen persönlichen Gegenständen verwendet werden.
    Gürtel: Ledergürtel sind ein klassisches Accessoire, das sowohl zu formeller als auch zu lässiger Kleidung getragen werden kann. Sie sind in verschiedenen Breiten, Farben und Ausführungen erhältlich.
    Schuhe: Lederschuhe sind eine beliebte Wahl für Männer und Frauen. Sie sind in verschiedenen Stilen erhältlich, wie z. B. Abendschuhe, Stiefel und Turnschuhe.
    Telefonhüllen und -hüllen: Telefonhüllen und -hüllen aus Leder bieten Schutz für Ihr Telefon und verleihen ihm gleichzeitig eine stilvolle Note.
    Schlüsselanhänger und Schlüsselhalter: Schlüsselanhänger und Schlüsselhalter aus Leder sind eine praktische und stilvolle Art, Ihre Schlüssel zu organisieren.
    Taschen und Aktentaschen: Ledertaschen und Aktentaschen sind eine klassische Wahl für den Transport von Dokumenten, Laptops und anderen wichtigen Dingen.
    Schmuck: Lederarmbänder, Halsketten und Ohrringe sind eine beliebte Wahl.
    Beim Kauf von Lederaccessoires ist es wichtig, auf die Qualität des Leders und die Verarbeitung zu achten. Hochwertige Lederaccessoires können bei richtiger Pflege viele Jahre halten.
    Mehr Info:- https://hmtlederwaren.de/

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lederhandtaschen sind eine beliebte Art von Handtaschen, die aus der Haut verschiedener Tiere wie Kühe, Schweine oder Ziegen hergestellt werden. Sie werden für ihre Langlebigkeit, Vielseitigkeit und ihr stilvolles Aussehen geschätzt. Lederhandtaschen gibt es in einer Reihe von Stilen, von kleinen Clutches bis hin zu großen Tragetaschen, und sind in vielen verschiedenen Farben und Designs zu finden. Sie sind beliebt für ihre Fähigkeit, im Laufe der Zeit eine Patina zu entwickeln, die ihren Charakter verstärkt und jede Lederhandtasche einzigartig macht. Allerdings ist auch die Herstellung von Lederhandtaschen umstritten, da einige Leder mit Verfahren hergestellt werden, die für die Umwelt und die für ihre Haut verwendeten Tiere schädlich sind. Besorgt sind auch die Arbeitsbedingungen und die faire Behandlung der Arbeiter in der Lederindustrie. Daher ist es wichtig, beim Kauf einer Lederhandtasche auf die Herkunft des Leders und die verwendeten Herstellungsverfahren zu achten. Einige Marken bieten ethisch bezogene und umweltfreundliche Leder Optionen an, die eine nachhaltigere Wahl sein können.
    Klicke hier:- https://hmtlederwaren.de/handtaschen-aus-leder

    ReplyDelete