Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Night A Bear Messed with Me

Did I ever tell you about the time a bear tried to break into my house? No? Oh well please pull up a seat and a favorite beverage and have a laugh at my expense.

So we don’t live in the city, in case you had not already guessed that much. We live on a lake, on a mountain surrounded by woods and it’s beautiful. We can hike, kayak, ice skate, fish, and swim just by simply walking out of our door. Being outside is part of who we are and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it doesn’t come without a price.

We live amongst wild life. No we don’t have lions or giraffe, but mountain lions, wild turkeys, and bear, yes we have those.  My husband works 24 hour shifts so there are nights that I find myself tortured  blissful with watching a movie (he would never watch) with a glass of wine and a snack after the kids go to bed…I know it sounds awful  heavenly right?! Shortly after having my youngest son I was home ready to enjoy a solo movie night. I had put my oldest to bed and since my youngest was a mere 3 weeks old he was going to tag along for the movie.

I made myself some popcorn, changed newbie’s diaper, poured myself a glass of red, put on my pj’s and headed downstairs to watch a chick flick. I get myself situated and click yes on the “do you want to rent THE MOVIE YOUR HUSBAND WILL NEVER WATCH WITH YOU for the next 24 hours at $4.95?
 Ah yes. Okay done. Newbie is sleeping soundly on the Boppy on my lap allowing me to eat my popcorn and sip my red. I am feeling beyond successful. I’ve got this two kid thing down. My husband is at work and I am totally doing this AND watching a movie. Where is someone to high five when you need them? Two minutes into the movie something goes very wrong. It’s the moment I have always dreaded. ( The one that stems from watching ONE too many Criminal Minds)  I hear someone  or something on our deck banging around and then I hear the loudest banging sound on our sliding glass door.

I am immediately in mama bear mode. My dog on the other hand is in let me cower in the corner mode. (Big help he is) He's lucky he is so darn cute.


I am lucky enough to live on this lake with my ENTIRE FAMILY. (okay sometimes lucky sometimes something else but for purposes of this story LUCKY)

I call my father and say: Dad someone is either trying to break into my house right now or there is a giant animal on my deck. My Dad: Don’t move I’ll be right there!

I’m not sure what part of DON’T MOVE I didn’t understand but I hung up the phone and immediately started climbing the stairs with newbie in my arms. Listen 2 ½ yr old was in bed and I needed to make sure he was okay. As I got to the top of the stairs my instinct made me immediately walk towards the sliding glass door. Now here’s the thing if it was scenario a) a complete psycho killer who the FBI is closely tailing well I have two problems, #1 the psycho killer on my deck & #2 the fact that Agent Hotchner & Agent Morgan (because YES they are real) are about to see me in my pajamas with my nursing bra, leaky boobs, and just an overall HOT MESS SELF I would be mortified.
So please Bob Barker show me scenario #2! Oh yes new mommy here you go as you turn the corner you will see a GIANT BLACK BEAR banging on your glass door trying to work his way into your home. What? Awesome! That’s exactly what I ordered. No really as I turned the corner holding my new born baby in my arms there stood a GIANT black bear on his hind legs banging on my sliding glass door with his front legs while in the upright position. In keeping with the “it’s frowned upon to poop your pants after the age of 3” rule in this house I did my best to keep it together. This bear was HUGE!!!! So I slowly backed up all while holding newbie and I got myself to the phone. After briefly analyzing the situation I didn’t feel 911 was appropriate so I called the local police department to which the dispatcher said to me okay please get away from any doors and get yourself to a safe place. Okay where would that be? Well you need to get both your kids and get to a car and lock yourselves in. Um well my car is in my driveway and I’m pretty sure the bear would get to me if we tried to get outside. Do you have a garage? Yes. Okay can you get to that? I’ve sent an officer to your house. Okay. What is that banging noise? Oh that, yeah that is the bear banging on my door. Oh my god that is loud she says. Yes I know I'm HERE listening to a BEAR BANGING ON A GLASS DOOR!! Two seconds later the officer is banging on my front door.

Ma’m is there are bear breaking into your home? (Seriously where do I live) Me: Well yes one was attempting to break in but I don’t think he wanted my pearls. Him: Yeah we don’t think so either but he was clearly a danger to you and your family. If he is still outside we may have to kill him.
Ok listen I just want to go to bed and know that a bear is not going to break into my home and join me. At this point my oldest son wakes up walks down the hallway and says Mommy, why is there a police officer in our house. At the same time my father is in our driveway laying on his horn in the hope of scaring the bear away. Hey neighbors who's happy I live here?! The officer proceeds to walk around our entire property and returns assuring me the bear is gone and it's very unlikely he will return. He also informs me that the bear destroyed the metal gate we had blocking the top of our deck stairs and that if he wanted to he could knock any door down with little or no effort. Ok well that's encouraging. All I wanted to do was watch a movie and now I feel like I'm in a really bad one. The officer leaves and I get my oldest back to bed after the 555 questions he had about bear and where they live, and what they eat, and how come they don't wear clothes and then about police officers and if they have kids, and do they live in houses, and do they like ice cream and oh my god kid just go to bed! I then got newbie down in his crib and decided after all of that to just call it a night.
About a half hour after laying down I hear a ruckus on my deck yet again so I look out of the bathroom window and there's my new boyfriend. 
You have got to be kidding me! So I've had it. This bear is messing with a sleep deprived mother and you can mess with a movie but you cannot mess with my sleep. I ran downstairs and grabbed a bunch of full water bottles. I ran back upstairs and from the bathroom window began slinging them at the damn bear. He literally looked at me like is that all you've got lady? So I start throwing them harder and making all sorts of Get, Beat It, Scram sounds. I get my keys and set off my car alarm. (Again neighbors raise your hands if you love me) and he eventually probably out of nothing but pure annoyance meandered away.
I went to bed feeling like Goldie Locks but in the horror version of the story and I kid you not that bear came back at 5am! So again I hurled water bottles at him and he left. I actually think he was going back to his friends in the woods and saying "oh my god I am messing with this lady tonight she just had a baby and I swear I made her lose her shit. It's awesome!" That was the night of course that the baby slept for 6 hours straight while I spent the night up with a stinkin bear. I mean really?! He hasn't been back in quite some time (well since we started locking the garbage up) and as you can imagine my dog is losing tons of sleep over it.
When my husband got home from work he looked at me and said "Oh no! Rough night with the baby?" Yeah something like that only it was a bear not a baby. I can tell you there are things I have said out loud since having kids that I never thought I would say...but this one takes the cake.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Fly on the Wall

Welcome to a Fly on the Wall group post. Today 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house. I promise you if you need a laugh…and I think we all do, these posts will not disappoint.


Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     


I can tell you this much if you were a fly on the wall in this house you would find yourself thinking holy hell I’m exhausted. I have two boys, two boys under the age of 5 and they are FULL of energy. After getting past your constant exhaustion you would find the funny. My kids keep me laughing, god bless them because it is what gets us through the days with a smile. Here are a few short stories about things they either said or did this week. Fly on through and have a laugh while you do.


My husband and I had the great joy of getting away over the weekend to celebrate his 40th birthday. My parents and my sister and her husband stepped up and took great care of our boys while we were away. As much as I loved the break, the showers in peace, the quiet romantic dinners, the sleeping in until 9am and the late breakfasts at 11 I couldn’t wait to get back to them come Sunday. After picking them up I said to them we missed you so much. Did you miss us? My 22 month old shook his head and said no mommy. My 4yo said yes mommy we did. (Oh thank god I got worried there for a minute) After three minutes of silence my 4yo said mommy I didn’t actually miss you we were having too much fun to miss you. Well we have raised them not to lie so I guess I have no one to blame for this brutal honesty other than myself.


My husband and 4yo like to watch “men” shows together a couple of times a week. You know like Gold Rush, The Biggest Catch, & Yukon Men. Before you call the National Organization for Women (NOW) just know that I actually realize women can also enjoy these shows and I have been known to sit down for a little but I would much rather get a shower in while they do this. At any rate this week they were watching Yukon Men and they were hunting bear. My 4yo turns to my husband and says “Daddy what do bear eat?” Husband: Well they like honey and fish and berries. 4yo: And people Dad, bears like to eat honey and people. Um ok. So take this as a warning from my 4yo: DO NOT MESS WITH A BEAR, especially if you have been around some honey.


One of my favorite times of the day is when I get to snuggle with my 4yo before bed and read him his bed time story. It’s our time and no one can take it from us. On Tuesday we read a story about going to the moon. It talked about what it is like there, how astronauts get there etc. At the end of the story the author poses the question Do you think you will ever go to the moon? My 4yo responded with an adamant NO. So I turned to him and said why not buddy? Him: Because I’m too scared. Me: What are you scared of? Him: I am scared that M (his 22 month old brother) will want to follow me there. He is way too crazy and will run around, make a mess and ruin the moon and then the whole world will be mad at us. Me: Um ok that was not the answer I was expecting. Him: Come on mom you know it’s true.

So listen if you ever hear of a young astronaut’s brother sneaking in to the space shuttle and wrecking the whole entire moon you heard it here first.


There are times when you are in public with little kids that you want to hide. You literally want to look at your own child and say out loud yikes who is their mother? My kid would NEVER do that. While out at the grocery store with my 22 month old we were waiting on line at the deli counter and for whatever reason this seems to be the place where we become the entertainment for everyone else waiting for their number to be called. There was an older man waiting for his number to be called and he was a little on the heavy side with white hair and a white beard. My son proceeded to shout Ho Ho Ho at him the entire time we waited. At first I was hoping he didn’t notice but then other people started giggling and my son started pointing and saying it louder. I was desperately looking for a hole to crawl into but as my luck would have it there weren’t any. He looked over and smirked and I finally said well I hope you are a fan of Christmas otherwise I apologize. He laughed it off and actually looked at my son and said HO HO HO. Well let’s just say it’s a good thing he’s still in diapers.

My four year old somehow knows how to become ridiculously loud at...well everything while my toddler naps. So today I went downstairs and said to him buddy what are you doing it's so loud?! I am building with blocks mom. Building what an addition on our house? Mom don't be ridiculous I can only add 2+2 and 3+2 so far I can't add anything to our house. Ok well please try to build a tiny bit quieter. I'm going upstairs to get snacks ready. 5 minutes later...Buddy here is your snack but honestly do you think I went deaf upstairs I heard you throwing the blocks. Mom you didn't go deaf you are alive and fine don't be silly. Um no I said deaf not...oh forget it. Build on buddy build on.

Ok so BOYS ARE GROSS! I know I know I am not breaking news here. This is a conversation though that I wish I never had to hear. Our 4yo was scratching his butt yes that’s right bare hand in his pants scratching his hiney. My husband says buddy knock it off. Why on earth are you doing that? Because it’s itchy dad (well that answers that) ok well go in the bathroom and wash your hands. FINE! My husband proceeded to follow him into the bathroom. STOP SCRATCHING YOUR BUTT!! Maybe I didn’t wipe enough. (BLECK YUCK YECK noises I was making from the living room) Ok well then wipe again and wash your hands. Get your hands out of your mouth. COME ON?! Dad I will wash my hands! Wash them now! I will!

As all this was going on I was sitting in the living room feeling like we were one step away from becoming the grossest family in America (who are you calling dramatic) Finally I heard running water and I knew something was being washed. As they both returned to the living room I said good grief that is a conversation I hope I never have to hear again as long as I live. My husband looked at me and said well then I hope for your sake you go deaf because with boys those conversations are going to happen. They are going to happen often.

I hope you had fun hanging on our walls for a bit. Listen if nothing else it lets you know YOU are not alone or YOU are doing better than some people out there (me).  Here's to a happy weekend everyone...enjoy!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

My Promise To Little Girls Everywhere

I feel like every time I watch or read the news I learn about yet another young girl being raped. As if the crime of rape isn’t bad enough these young girls have to deal with all of this in an age of technology where word spreads fast along with pictures and videos, text messages, tweets, Facebook status updates etc. It’s awful. It makes me sick.

If you follow my blog you already know I have two boys. I can’t tell you have often I hear; oh boys are so much easier, be happy you have boys. I have always found this to be a weird statement. First of all I would be lying if I didn’t tell you I would love a daughter to throw into the mix of our family no matter how hard girls may actually be. Secondly why, why are girls so much harder? Okay take away the obvious reasons of clothes, PMS and attitude, but I think raising kids these days whether boys or girls is hard, if you are doing it right.

Rape like any crime bears the question of how do we prevent it? How do we fix this seemingly growing problem and protect our girls and women from it ever happening to them? I can’t claim to know the solution but as the mother of two boys I am writing this letter to young girls everywhere and I sure do hope it helps.

Dear Little Girls everywhere,

I am a mom. I was once a little girl who grew into an awkward teenager and eventually into a confident woman. I am now a mom of two young boys. If I do nothing else right in this life I promise you this:

 I promise to raise two boys into men who respect you. I promise to teach them to protect you from those who may not always respect you. I promise to teach them to lead rather than follow. To know right from wrong and to stand up for you no matter how scary it may be to do so. I promise to teach them that taking or sharing inappropriate pictures, videos or rumors about you is wrong and that the camaraderie they may feel with their male peers for mere minutes or hours will never compare to the lack of sleep they will have for the rest of their lives knowing how wrong this decision was.

I will teach them that it only takes one wrong decision to completely alter the outcome of your life. They will know that it is never okay to laugh at your expense or to ignore your need for help in order to protect their reputation.  I will teach them that their mother was once a young girl just like you and that hurting you would be like hurting me. I will teach them that love is real, and when it’s real it is awesome. I will teach them that they deserve love just like you deserve love. I will teach them that love does not exist without respect. I will teach them to hold doors open for you, and to look you in the eyes when they speak to you. I will teach them to never even think about beeping a car horn for you but to instead get out of the car go up to the door and meet your parents. I will teach them to call you to ask you out on a date instead of sending a text message. I will teach them that talking to you like one of the guys is the best way to ruin any kind of love that could have grown between you.

I promise to teach them that you can in fact be friends (and you should be) and your love will be so much better for it. I will teach them to allow you to be you and never make you feel like you have to be someone else.  I will tell them that no matter what you say, if you have been drinking they are not to touch you in any inappropriate way. They are to bring you home and tell you to sleep well.

I will teach both of my boys that girls are not objects, but human beings. You are human beings who deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be protected and loved. I will teach them that one day they may have a daughter and what they do now will affect them later.

I promise I will do my part as a mother of boys to make sure that rape is not okay. I will raise boys into men who know that in no way shape or form is a criminal act upon you okay EVER. I promise I will raise two boys who your father will be happy you are dating. Trust me this in and of itself is huge. I will never stop teaching them all of this and I hope that all parents of boys will step up and do the same.

A dedicated mother of boys

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I Suspect I May Be a Superhero

My boys love nothing more than a Superhero. They love to watch them, dress up like them and imagine they are living daily life as one.  They take turns dressing as Superman one week, Batman the next, & Spiderman the week after that. They love to pretend they are saving the planet from bad guys. Each superhero has their own secret powers of course. Spiderman can climb buildings; Batman has super human strengths from years of training and Superman well he can fly, amongst other things.

I always knew I would be a good mom. This is not to be confused with a perfect mom, because that I am not but I’m a good mom. I did not however expect to become a Superhero when I became a mom but all evidence is leading me to believe that I just might be.


  1. I have the ability to know what is going on in another room even when a solid wall is between these two rooms. For example I know the minute one of the kids has gotten into something they weren’t supposed to and I can often be found shouting: “I know what’s going on in there and it better stop”. *Two Deer Kids in headlights can be found sitting in the next room*
  2. I have the ability to become 100% invisible to the human eye. I can literally be standing in a room telling my children to clean up and they will continue to watch TV as if I am not even in the room. The only explanation for this is that I become invisible at times. 
  3. I am able to speak but no one can actually hear me. I can ask tell my children to do something 25 times in a row and apparently the only one who can hear me by the 25th time is the dog which means he may in fact have powers as well.
  4. I can randomly begin speaking in foreign languages. For example when I ask my boys to start to clean up the toys at the end of the day they suddenly are unable to understand me and I know that once again my foreign language powers have gotten in the way of simple instructions. *Note I don’t actually know a foreign language so yes Superhero once again*
  5. I have the ability to turn into an octopus before dinner. I am able to cook, all while breaking up fights, changing diapers, fixing the puzzle, getting snacks and juice, & turning up the TV while continuing to cook. The only explanation is that I suddenly have at least 6 arms. (I too thought it was 8 but I Googled it to find this crap out & it’s six).
  6. I can make a boo boo go away with a swift kiss, tickle and application of 6 Scooby Doo bandages. It’s seriously as if it NEVER happened, spooky I know!
  7. I am able to distract a child away from what they clearly suspect is an opened box of cookies on the counter and in the process convince them it’s just a box of tissues. (NO THIS IS NOT LYING IT’S A SUPERPOWER DARN IT)
  8. I am able to send secret sound wave signals to my children the moment my ass hits a chair, head hits a pillow or foot steps into a shower.  I can instantly wake them from a deep sleep when I am about to do any of these things. I need to figure out how to control this one.
  9. I am able to bring sudden rain or wind storms out of nowhere. All I have to do is spend 25 hours minutes wrestling two kids into all the necessary outdoor gear, allow them to take out every bike, scooter, ball, bat, skateboard and Frisbee and a blue sky will instantly turn grey and a storm will arrive in 5 minutes flat. I haven’t quite figured out what this power could be used to do to fix evil in the world but I know that it brings evil into mine!!
  10. Last but certainly not least, I can fix any child’s constipation by announcing one of the following things: Dinner is hot and on the table (suddenly everyone has to poop & by the time this debacle is over dinner is cold) Mommy is going in the shower,  or it’s time for bed. These things all signal some type of reaction in my children. It’s nothing short of awesome and by awesome I mean a real shit show.

So you see it is from all of this evidence that I have come up with the only reasonable explanation which is that I am in fact a Superhero.  I am Invisblemuteoctowoman or something that sounds better. I’m sure the Government will be contacting me any day now to do top secret work for them.