Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Beach: People With Kids vs. People Without Kids

I have two boys.  They require a crap ton of preparation before heading to the beach. As much as I adore summer and the time I get with them I find myself sometimes longing for the days when all it took to go to the beach was me, a towel and a good book. Those days are long gone and I can tell you from experience it is pretty easy to pick out who has kids on a beach and who doesn’t. Kids don’t need to be anywhere near people to tell if they have them or not.                                 

People with kids have two tons of crap with them. No really. They have boogies boards, kick boards, noodles, buckets, shovels, rakes, plastic things shaped like stars and turtles, coolers, chairs, towels (enough for way more than the amount of people with them) 8 varieties of sunscreen, (baby sunscreen, face sunscreen, sunscreen in the form of a stick, spray, cream, sweat proof, water proof, keep you looking like Casper guaranteed), umbrellas, and a big giant blanket.


People without kids have a towel, a chair and a cooler.


People with kids have a cooler filled with juice boxes, sandwiches, pretzels, goldfish, watermelon, grapes, granola bars, water, cookies, chips, crackers, cheese, yogurt sticks, strawberries and a baked ham for the love of Pete. There is pretty much nothing left in the kitchen of their home. It’s all in the damn cooler.


People without kids have beer, water (if they’re smart) and a sandwich.


People with kids look exhausted before they even set up for the day. They seriously look like they need a nap, an IV of coffee and possibly a hospital stay.


People without kids look either hung over or well rested. There is nothing in between.


People with kids set up beach chairs but never sit in them for all that long. They are either building a sand castle, getting their kids a snack, chasing a  kid,  calming a crying kid, applying sunscreen to a kid, preventing a kid from going out to sea or looking around and wondering how long everyone will stay happy.  They absolutely never get to sit back and close their eyes. No sir. People with kids are like Prison Wardens…always watching.


People without kids are sitting in their chairs, holding conversations, sipping a beer, or simply watching the waves.  They may even *GASP* get to close their eyes and take a nap. (I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it)


When people with kids decide it’s time to leave the beach it’s usually because the kids are crying, hitting each other, pooped through a stupid flipping swimmy diaper or there are no snacks left to keep the kids quiet.  It takes them approximately 45 minutes and 12 seconds to pack up all the crap they showed up with.  They may actually NEED a hospital stay at this point.

They head to their mini vans and SUVs and throw all the crap in the back. They then load up all the kids, get in the car and head home to relax. HAHAHAHHAHAHA No that’s not right. They head home to give a bunch of tired kids baths, feed them (kids seriously eat ALL THE TIME) and hopefully get them to bed before they themselves are face first in a plate of cold spaghetti.


People without kids fold up their chairs and head off the beach to a bar.  They then go home take peaceful hot showers and sleep for 14 hours.


So listen people without kids enjoy your days at the beach. Every now and then give us a wave and a smile of sympathy and if you ever happen to catch our tired asses out at a bar buy us a drink. We had to get our kids ready, hire a sitter and oh forget it that’s a whole other story.

While you may remember the chaos your children will only remember the happiness






Friday, June 14, 2013

June Secret Subject Swap-The Invention That Will Change Mothers Everywhere!

Today’s post is part of The Secret Subject Swap hosted by Karen over at Baking In a Tornado My subject is: You're the creator of a magnificent new invention! What is it and why did you invent it? It was submitted by Daily Dose of Damn  This was so fun to participate in and I hope you will have fun reading it.


Mom Brain, according to the Urban Dictionary it is the phenomenon known to mothers where their brains become useless piles of goo after being around their children for too long. I would say this is 100% accurate. My brain has officially become a pile of goo. I will walk into a room on a clear cut mission but once standing in said room I couldn’t tell you what that mission was even if you offered me money.  I go to the grocery store with a full written list in my hands yet somehow I get home and find out I have forgotten at least three things on that list.  I have been known to have full conversations with my husband and forget the content completely. It’s awful. I for one am sick of it. I want my brain back. So it got me thinking there has to be something that will help my goo turn back to brilliance. (Okay that may be pushing it but stay with me).

I’ve invented something and you are going to want it. The other night I was sitting in my bed stretched towards the wall while trying to tweet on my charging phone and it hit me, why can’t we recharge our brains? So mom’s I invented the brain recharger. It’s simple really and requires no electricity. Please let us not take up another outlet as they are all filled with phones, lap tops, IPads, IPods, and the like.  The mommy brain recharger comes in one simple package. You send away for it at and 5 weeks later (when we remember to send it to you) it arrives on your doorstep. When you open the box you will find, bubble bath,  wine, an unbreakable wine glass, ear plugs, an eye mask, a neck pillow,  a gift certificate for a mani/pedi, a business card for a free babysitting service run by only the best, background checked, Mary Poppins like women. You will also find a mandatory order to take a random 2 hour nap at a paid for hotel while Mary Poppins plays with your little or not so little rug rats. Your house will be clean, dinner will be made and your kids will behave better than you could have ever imagined when you get home. 

The best part is when you get home your brain will be with you mama! You will be able to think again like you did back in college, okay high school, okay whenever you were actually at your best.  You will walk into a room with a purpose and you will not forget what it is. You will have conversations again without losing your train of thought and suddenly thinking about a poop diaper. You will be focused and ON YOUR GAME! The best part is our Bring Me My Brain package comes with a money back guarantee and if you buy it within the next two weeks and mention this post you will get the package valued at *Too expensive for you* for 26 easy payments of $19.95. How can you beat that?!  I mean honestly I don’t think you can really put a monetary value on having your brain back do you?

So what are you waiting for pick up the phone and dial: 1 800-my-brain-is-goo these packages won’t last long. 


Disclaimer: Not all mom brains can be cured with one package. Some women may require a series of packages before seeing a noticeable difference. Some women have been known to order repeatedly. You may experience sadness once you are finished with the package.  Under no circumstances are you to hold the baby sitter hostage. Once you return home she goes home. Some women may lose motivation to return to normal household duties.
This woman clearly took it too far.
Some women may hide in the bathtub for longer than expected. If any of these side effects should occur please don’t call us we barely have time to send out the packages let alone answer the phone.


The preceding post is a work of fiction an invention or fabrication as opposed to fact. If you should attempt to call 1800-my-brain-is-goo or visit you will be met with disappointment.

This has been a work of fiction sponsored by Baking In A Tornado and inspired by Daily Dose of Damn 

Go take a look at the other June Secret Subject Swaps. It’s fun and no one ever gets hurt I promise.                                 Baking In A Tornado                    Searching for Sanity                    Black Sheep Mom                              Indian American Mom                     Daily Dose of Damn              A Working Mom's "Whoas"                         Dawn’s Disaster                         Akashic Aisles:The Basement View                    The Pursuit of Normal                                   Home on Deranged                          Evil Joy Speaks


Thursday, June 13, 2013

I Survived The Pediatrician's Office and All I Got Was A Stinky Diaper

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would one day be sitting in a Pediatrician’s office playing defense, goalie,  ridiculous clown, sweating my butt off, ready to cry I would have laughed and said what kind of sissy do you think I am?! I mean really, how hard can going to a Dr.’s office with kids really be? Well I’ll tell you hard, harder than any trip to the gym, or run, or written test, or Chinese water torture I could ever possibly participate in.  In fact television executives I have a new reality show for you and I can tell you no one is winning this shit.

I swear they stick you in those little rooms and have you sit there waiting with secret cameras filming every agonizing moment. The nurses probably all make popcorn and shout to each other come on ladies we’ve got a fresh one here. Let’s see how long she can hold it together.  Today I held it together, if that’s what you can call it for 42 minutes and 4 seconds.  Our appointment time was 11am. The Dr. came in to see us at exactly 11:42 and 4 seconds and trust me those seconds count. I think my son’s lunch box may be slightly larger than the room we were in today. I am in a tight space with a 4 year old and a 2 year old whom I have already undressed down to his diaper, following the instructions of the nurse.

They were running behind mainly because it was a monsoon here today and patients were running late pushing back all the appointments. I can’t even get mad at that because if we are being honest I didn’t show up until 11:04 so by the time I signed in we were officially late.  The trip started with me trying to wrestle two kids into rain gear, with the oldest demanding on wearing Monster’s Inc. shorts with Fireman rain boots. Listen who am I to argue this isn’t a damn fashion show. I start walking each of them to the car under the umbrella when the two year old decides he’s going to take off and splash in all the puddles. I wouldn’t have cared if this was light rain but this was literally Cats, Dogs and possibly Rabbits falling from the sky. I ran after him and my umbrella went flying so now I look like I just got out of the shower, the one where I forgot to undress first. Awesome.

We get to the office and a very nice new naive mother is holding the door open for us with one hand and her baby in that ridiculously heavy car seat carrier in the other. My kids decide this is a great time to get into a fight over who will go first. As to not scare this new mommy I tried to remain calm until finally out of fear that her arm may literally fall out of the socket I screamed: “Who cares who goes first just go for the love of GOD!!!!”

We get into the lunch box room and the boys are instantly arguing over who gets to play with the abacus. I mean really? We have an abacus at home and I’m pretty sure I need to use the leaf blower to remove the dust at this point.  I break up this nonsense and move on to the lovely smell of CRAP! I look at my 2 year old and ask him buddy did you poop? As if at this point it’s even a question. I mean if he didn’t then there is a horse in the next room. Now I have to change his diaper on that stupid table with the crinkly paper and he is all squirmy. I get him changed all while having to listen to my four year old complain how bad it smells. Cue the sweat. I am starting to lose it people. I am picturing the nurses laughing so hard at this point and I want some popcorn.  I look up to see a sign that says Please take your dirty diapers with you above a picture of Pepe Le Pew. (Hahahaha I get it a skunk smells as does this shit how cute!) So now I am in a lunch box with two kids and a poop diaper. Stop being jealous.

I won’t bore you with the next 20 minutes of screaming, removing medical tools from their hands, getting them to stop banging on the windows and all the other fun shenanigans, but I can tell you a good time was NOT had by all.

After the visit was over I breathed a big sigh of relief until I realized I still had to leave with the poop diaper. As if this cake needs any icing there isn’t an outside garbage pail to be found at this place so you guessed it I had to ride home with two hungry, whiney kids and one stinky ass diaper.  Doctors office 12 Outsmarted Mommy Zip.

Time for a glass of wine!



Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Who Am I?

Ever since my first son was born most conversations with people over the age of 20 begin with “So are you working?” When I initially left my job behind to stay home with my oldest son I would quickly respond with a simple “No, no I am home with my son.” It was usually met with a: “Oh that’s so nice.” As time passed I found it harder and harder to feel like I fit in with adults in the “working world”.  I started wondering all sorts of things like, why did I bother to go to college, will my children respect me, or think I know anything about real things going on in the world besides how much laundry we have, and what do I have to add to a conversation with people who work? Who am I?

It’s been almost five years since my first son was born and while I don’t regret the choice to leave the working world behind I sometimes still struggle with the whole who am I part of it.  Let’s face it the only people who truly empathize and understand stay at home moms are other stay at home moms. I know I will get many arguments about that but I bet most of them will come from moms who stayed home for a little while and then went back to work. To be honest I have more friends who work than stay home so I am definitely in the minority. I respect my friends who work and often think wow how do they balance it all? I mean if we are being honest I find it hard to get the laundry done most days let alone hold down a career and run a household.   So it leaves me with the question that won’t go away: Who am I?

1.       I am a wife.

2.       I am a mother of two beautiful, amazing, energy zapping boys. They are 4 & 2 and they require all of my attention.

3.       I am the CEO of our household.

4.       I am the event planner. (Our days, our months, our years) birthday parties, playdates, our dates (not very often) girls nights, and everything under the sun.

5.       I am the chief purchasing agent and no I don’t mean exciting things. I mean stuff like groceries which we require to live and diapers which we require to survive.

6.       I am the head chef. I plan breakfast, lunch & dinner and the 5,001 snacks in between. I usually provide snack and juice and when spills happen I call the housekeeper. She gives me the finger A LOT!

7.       I am the head teacher.  Our daily activities include numbers, letters, sight words, math, books, library trips, art projects & baking.

8.       I am the housekeeper. I vacuum (daily), scrub the bathrooms (biweekly), mop the floors (more than I should admit) , change the sheets (weekly, more if we are having diaper leak issues or stomach bugs) I do the dishes 106x a day. I clean up after the flipping head chef provides WAY TOO MANY snacks and said snacks are spilled all over the floor.

9.       I am the house vet, feeding the yellow lab three times daily, giving him his Gas X, Pepcid and yogurt just to keep him healthy and letting him out to go take a crap. Sometimes on a bad day I chase him down the street in whatever embarrassing ensemble I wore to bed as he decides to chase the latest smell.

10.   I am the head nurse providing band aids, ice packs, children’s Advil & splinter removal when necessary. I am on 24 hour call when the kids are sick.

11.   I am the head hygienist providing floss and teeth brushing twice daily. (ok let’s be honest sometimes only once daily don’t judge)

12.   I am the taxi service to and from preschool, music class, story time, soccer, and playdates.

13.   I am the emotional rock for all my boys to lean on when there are mishaps at school, the playground or the actual workforce.

14.   I am up with the son (no that is not a spelling mistake) and like a horse out of the gate it is go time from the first “MOMMY” yelled from the crib.

15.   I have our day down to a science from breakfast until my youngest goes down for a nap. After that it’s outside for play time with my 4yo. 
16.   I am the bath/shower provider on most nights (although my husband does help a lot), diaper changer, pajama applier, book reader, PLEASE GO TO BED BEGGAR!


I finally figured out I work my ass off. I am a working mom. I’m not really sure why the term Stay At Home Mom even exists because I would like to meet one mom who is actually able to stay home all the time. It’s a dumb description meant to dumb down the women who lovingly do it.  I will admit before having kids being home sounded like a walk in the park…now that I’m doing it I know it’s more like a run in the zoo without cages for the animals. Whether you are going into an office all day or taking care of your kids all day we are all working moms. We are all doing our daily things for our kids and I salute you all. The moms who wake up  at the crack ass of dawn get their kids ready & themselves presentable for an office or teaching environment: BRAVO! The moms who wake up wander the house with baby shit on their foreheads, coffee in their IV’s hands, and a question of when their last shower was: BRAVO! The moms who finally figured out who they are and are proud of it: BRAVO! We all deserve to feel like we have a purpose.  We are all working moms and we are all doing a great job! Much love mama's.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Did I Really Just Say That?

When I was a kid there were things my parents would say to me that would instantly make me think: There is no way I will EVER say that to my kids no matter how bad they are being.  I don’t mean hurtful things. My parents never said mean or hurtful things to me and my sister. I mean lame things. I can literally remember thinking Ha come on that again? That does not work, come up with new material people.  Now here I am a mom and I find myself saying said lame things more often than I would care to admit. Sometimes these things come out of my mouth and I swear I turn around looking for my mother. So it got me thinking maybe once we become a parent there is a script that we are given.  Maybe we don’t even know we are following a script. Maybe all that paperwork they made me sign at the hospital which I admit I did not fully read, contained some type of contract that said once your kids reach a certain age there is a limited list of things to say when you are reprimanding them.   So here in no particular order are all the things that I swore I would NEVER say but find myself actually saying lately.

1.       Who do you think you are talking to? I am your mother.   I always feel like an idiot after this comes out of my mouth. I mean my god they know I am their mother and when I say this, my almost 5yo looks at me like ah yeah I know who you are. Do you know who you are? It’s like the ultimate trick question.

2.       Don’t make me call your father! First of all I used to hate when my mother said this to me. Secondly it just sends my kids the message that I am already feeling like I can’t handle what’s going on and now I need to call in the big guns.

3.       Santa is watching. It’s June and when I say this all it does is send my 4 year old into a twenty minute conversation about what he wants for Christmas, which in the end is just punishment for me not him.

4.       Don’t make me come in there!! When I say this I often think well what is going to happen when I have to go in there?  What am I going to say then? Okay you made me come in here so now what?

5.       When I ask my kids “Who did this?” in regards to a spill, a magazine torn to shreds, a screen door without a screen (yes this has happened) , a dog covered in finger paint or smashed blueberries (yes this has also happened) I always get the same response: “I don’t know but it wasn’t me.” I have started responding with a “Well I guess if you guys didn’t do it, it must have been a ghost.” I said this last night and my husband started laughing and actually said “Holy cow you just sounded like my mother circa 1978.” EEEKKKK!!!
6. Wait what you're bored? You think you have it rough? When I was a kid we didn't have a DVD player in the car. No sir. We played count the cars on road trips and we liked it.  This is pretty much the equivalent of the I used to walk 10 miles each way to school up hill in the snow we used to get from our parents.
So there you have it, the things I swore I would never say but I am saying...a lot! I just know it's only a matter of time before I start throwing around the "I am your mother not your friend" or the "I don't care what everyone else is doing, they don't live here." and let us not forget the "While you live under my roof you will live by my rules." This is coming I just know it. The script has already been written my friends.