Thursday, September 26, 2013

Ten Things That Will Change After Kids

Kids change everything.  No really they change everything.  There are many things they change for the better. So before you get all bent out of shape and say I don’t appreciate my beautiful children read this: A Letter to My Boys and then maybe this: No One Ever Said It Would Be Easy See I do. I love every ounce of my two boys but let’s be honest they change things and there are some things that will never quite be the same.


1.      Sleep. I know this is obvious but really you will never sleep like you did before children. When they are newborns you are up because they are up, when they are toddlers there are sick nights, teething, separation anxiety and requests for anything from a binky to a bunny. When they are older there are bad dreams, a need for more water, they are suddenly hungry, they heard something outside that sounded like a dog crying next to a deer that is looking for its mommy. There are nights you will be gently scare the living daylights out of you woken up by a child standing 2 inches from  your face.  You never sleep as deeply as you did before kids, not ever.

2.      Dinner. That’s right dinner will never be the same again. Nor will any other meal for that matter but dinner especially.  It would be easier to enjoy a meal at a zoo after throwing food into the cages for the animals. I must get up and down 6 times during dinner. Someone needs more milk or more water. They already used up their napkin.  They dropped their fork or their spoon. I don’t like this but I want more of this. Forget hearing your spouse speak. You have a better chance of finding the mom of that damn deer  your kid heard last night and speaking to the damn dog about it.  Oh and you are going out to dinner you say? Well you will be so used to eating so fast while at home that the two of you will be staring at one another thinking wow so we ate everything in 10 minutes flat. Go out more.  You will eventually learn to relax again.

3.      Vacations. Yikes don’t even get me started on the beach. I wrote all about that here: The Beach but honestly gone are the vacations of relaxing on a sandy beach or skiing all day and then grabbing drinks at the lodge. You have kids so you will be building sandcastles ALL DAY LONG or taking someone off the slopes to pee for the 5th time in an hour because “mommy the cold makes me have to pee”.  You will find yourself vacationing at spots that smell of chocolate all day long or lodges that mimic the great outdoors but smell like chlorine. You will go to amusement parks, zoos, farms, and places where you can make your own bears.  Some years you will skip a vacation all together because money and time just aren’t on your side.

4.      Sex (yup I said it) gone are the days of being spontaneous. It becomes more of a "hey how about Wednesday?" I don’t think we have anything on Wednesday, that is until Wednesday comes along and you can barely stay awake past 7:45. Of course if you do have energy left you then have to make sure the kids are soundly asleep. Wait what was that? I think one of them is up? Did you hear that?  Oh yeah so spontaneous!

5.      Showers.  If you can actually fit a shower in it will not be as relaxing as the days before children. Your children can be sound asleep or better yet not even home yet somehow when you are in the shower you will swear you hear one or all of them crying, screaming, begging for snacks, or fighting with each other.  Maybe they let a mountain lion and a goat in the back door and now the mountain lion is chasing the goat. The dog got in the mix and the kids are chasing all of them.  You will get out of the shower one too many times with too much conditioner still in your hair and only one leg shaved.

6.      Shopping. I am laughing crying just thinking about shopping with the kids. Grocery shopping with kids means you will certainly wind up with at least 4 items in your cart that you never intended on buying two of which you won’t even know about until you are already on the checkout line. "Marty I need a price check on this economy size of Adult Diapers!" "Whoa hold on I did not put THOSE in my cart!" Any other kind of shopping: You can forget trying on clothes. There is no fitting room on the planet big enough for you and your children or their opinions on what you are trying on.  TRUST ME! Shopping is now a race. It is not a race against time as much as it’s a race against the ticking time bomb you have in the stroller.  No one wants to be in the middle of a store when their toddler throws an over tired temper tantrum. No one.

7.      Crime Shows: I love a good crime show. Law and Order, CSI, Without a Trace, Criminal Minds and Cold Case I loved them all. Once you have children you will never be able to watch one of these shows without it sending you into a complete worried, over reaction of running into your child’s room and sleeping next to them for the next 120 nights.

8.      A clean house:  Hahahhahahahahaha no really hahahahhahahaha. An entire clean house all at one time? Sure for five minutes so soak it in and may I suggest taking a picture so you can look at it while you are crying after stepping on 15 Legos and what you can only hope is a mushed banana.

9.      Long car rides:  I used to love getting in the car for a nice long ride somewhere with my husband. We would turn up the music, talk about our week and take in the scenery. Long car rides now mean constant complaints about what’s on the radio, questions about when we will arrive at our destination, crying and fighting because “He’s looking at me.” And of course at least 6 requests to stop to pee or get something to eat. Ahhh they are so fun.

10.  A Night Out with your friends and one too many cocktails: All I can say about this one is please see #1, #4 & #5. It’s just never the same and taking care of the kids can bring on a headache so starting out the day that way is just never a good idea.  *A good laugh and one too many drinks out with your friends once in a while though can cure a whole heck of a lot so sometimes the headache IS TOTALLY worth it!*
Don't worry I hear things get back to normal once your kids move out, get married and have kids of their own.  So I guess when I'm 105 I will be sleeping soundly, eating slowly, taking peaceful showers and not giving a crap about the rest of the list.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The 12 Days of School

There were a lot of things I anticipated about my first “real” school year I just didn’t think it would all happen so quickly.

On the first day of school my five year old brought to me an invitation to a party.

On the 2nd day of school my five year old brought to me 2 fundraisers and an invitation to a party.

On the 3rd day of school my five year old brought to me 3 new books, 2 fundraisers and an invitation to a party.

On the 4th day of school my five year old brought to me 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers and an invitation to a party.

On the 5th day of school my five year old brought to me 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to a party.

On the 6th day of school my five year old brought to me 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to a party.

On the 7th day of school my five year old brought to me 7 things to write checks for, 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to a party.

On the 8th day of school my five year old brought to me 8 pages of reading, 7 things to write checks for, 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to a party.

On the 9th day of school my five year old brought to me 9 notices of upcoming meetings, 8 pages of reading, 7 things to write a check for, 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to a party.

On the 10th day of school my five year old brought to me 10 pages of information to fill out, 9 notices of upcoming meetings, 8 pages of reading, 7 things to write a check for, 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to  a party.

On the 11th day of school my five year old brought to me 11 requests for play dates, 10 pages of information to fill out, 9 notices of upcoming meetings, 8 pages of reading, 7 things to write a check for, 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an invitation to a party

On the 12th day of school my five year old brought to me 12 reasons why he wants to buy lunch, 11 requests for play dates, 10 pages of information to fill out, 9 notices of upcoming meetings, 8 pages of reading, 7 things to write a check for, 6 more fundraisers, 5 uneaten grapes, 4 pieces of artwork, 3 new books, 2 fundraisers, and an INVITATION TO A PARTY………….


Okay everyone only 9 months to go.


Friday, September 13, 2013

It Comes With a Price

Today’s post is part of The Secret Subject Swap hosted by Karen over at Baking In A Tornado. This week 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.  My subject is: You wake up one morning and find that little elves have taken over the cleaning of your home. But, it comes with a price: The elves what to raise your first born as their own. What happens next? It was submitted by:  Melissa of Home on Deranged . It isn’t easy to write about a topic that is not your own. It’s a challenge and I have to say I love a challenge!


The other day I woke up just as I normally do, still tired and longing for more sleep! I walked down the hallway and rushed to get my first cup of coffee only to find a group of little elves cleaning my house. Um yeah I know it sounds crazy but it’s true! My first thought was how on earth did they get in here? Then when I saw how they were cleaning my second thought was:  Who the hell cares how they got in here as long as they keep cleaning. My floors were shining, my cabinets were gleaming and I was elated…all before 8am! 

As I brewed my first cup of coffee I approached the elf I had determined was the leader. I determined this from the way he was bossing around all the other elves. “You missed a spot!” he yelled at the one in the blue shirt. “Pick up the pace.” he said to the one in the yellow shirt. I thanked him and said: “I don’t know how you stumbled upon my house but I am sure glad you did. I literally went to bed last night feeling like a hamster on a wheel and wishing that someone would appear to help me keep up.” 

“I’m happy to hear we were able to grant that wish for you.” he replied.  “Of course I plan on paying you.” I said. “Well that’s the thing; we don’t want your money.” “Oh?” “We would like to raise your oldest as one of us.” “Um as an elf?” “Yes.”

I stood there looking at an elf and I thought to myself of course. Of course this is too good to be true. Then I thought does this guy even know what he is getting into? I mean my five year old can be quite the handful. He’s whiney when he’s tired. He talks back when we ask him to clean up his toys. He’s ALWAYS flipping hungry.  He’s really cute though. Oh and so funny. He has such a sarcastic sense of humor and I’ve always adored it. He laughs at all my jokes. Who would laugh at my jokes if he wasn’t around?  He’s so smart.  I love watching him think things through. Oh and I can’t forget thoughtful. He is so thoughtful.  After all these thoughts raced through my head I looked around my house and while I did love how clean it was I knew it didn’t compare to raising him all on our own minus the elves. I looked at the elf and I told him thanks but no thanks. With that the elves packed up their cleaning supplies and were on their way.

Suddenly I heard a loud beeping sound and I rolled over to discover it was my alarm clock. Of course that was a dream! How could it not have been a dream? Elves? Bwahahahaha now that is funny. I walked down the hallway stepped on 16 Legos, one dump truck and a toy train. UGH! My five year old was up mere minutes later. He threw his pajamas on the living room floor and proceeded to spill his orange juice all over the kitchen next. Hmmm maybe elf life wouldn’t have been so bad.

Here are the links to all the other phenomenal bloggers who participated in this Secret Subject Swap. Sit back, click around and enjoy.                            Baking In A Tornado                      The Insomniac’s Dream                         Anni’s Bubble                      My Personal Accent       Black Sheep Mom                       Home on Deranged             Evil Joy Speaks                     Dates 2 Diapers                   Rocks, No Salt Mommy                                  The Momisodes

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Warning: Assholes Can Be Found At The Playground

The park.  The playground. Call it what you want but it’s pretty much the place to be when you’re a parent. The kids get to run around, climb like monkeys on things other than your couch and get out all the sugar from the fruit snacks and “healthy” granola bars they begged for while you got ready.  The moment you let them out of the car you can sense their excitement and they can sense you relaxing.  My kids are still very young so I am not able to sit and read on a bench while my children play. Hell to the no. My two year old would wind up 3 towns over before I could even get through 10 pages of a magazine.

So that being said the park is relaxing for me because my kids have freedom and space to run around. It is 2 hours of knowing they will not be pulling the dog’s tail or punching each other over some stupid book (okay book and stupid should not be paired together but you know what I am talking about here). When we are home the boys will fight about every little thing but once we are out at a park they are suddenly best friends. It’s like two lions that were held captive being released into the wild. *I can actually hear the music from the Lion King as they run*.

There isn’t much that can ruin a day at the park. Okay there are a couple of things that can ruin a day at the park and they are forgetting to bring lunch and or snacks (I mean kids eat like pigs and if you forgot food you might as well just turn around and go home), a massive storm moving in (if it’s not lightening well then I am all for letting them run in the rain *Cue the Lion King music*) and the asshole parent. Oh you know who I mean because EVERY park/playground has one.  I have developed the ability in the past five years to be able to pick said parent out of the crowd within the first five minutes of being there. I spend the next two hours herding my children like sheep in any direction that will move them away from him or her.  I love to share so I figure you all deserve to know how to spot the asshole parent at the park. Here are the top ten signs that you have in fact found them.

1.      They are on their phone. No, no that in and of itself doesn’t make them an asshole. It’s when their adorable little kid Johnny ass kicker has hit at least 12 children and they are still on their phone yes that does it.

2.      They are talking loud enough for every parent at the playground to hear about their awesome vacation to an Island off of Mars. “Oh no it’s VERY exclusive”.

3.      They are dressed as if they are hoping to be discovered by the top model scout for Vogue’s Fall Fashion issue. I have news for you. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! Sure I am here just happy I remembered to put on a bra but watching you run after Sally Sassy pants in your spiked Manolo Blahnik’s will be a week’s worth of entertainment. I will replay this in my brain over and over again thank you very much.

4.      They are at the park with 1-3 nannies and they talk to said nannies like they are the gum on the bottom of their Manolo Blahnik’s.

5.      They repeatedly stand at least 20ft away from Johnny Ass kicker and expect him to listen when they say “No, no, no honey don’t do that” in the most annoying voice possible. Your kid is 4 YEARS old not 4 months.

6.      Their children are dressed like an ad out of the latest J. Crew catalog. Listen I like to dress my kids cute…for holidays, but when they are at the park do they really need to be in a pair of khaki’s, a polo with a sweater vest and a tweed jacket, dress shoes and a beret. That shit can’t be comfortable to play in and every other kid is looking at your kid like they are weird.  To top it off they shout "No don't get your shoes dirty honey. Mommy just bought those." Poor kid. I want to show him the closest mud puddle and let him have at it!

7.      They are talking about all the famous people they know. “Oh my mother is actually friends with so and so’s mother’s dog walker and we always get invited to parties at their house” No one is impressed, not even the dogs.

8.      When their child asks them to push them on the swing they respond: “Not now honey mommy is on Twitter” I don’t think I need to say this out loud but that poor kid will be tweeting about you one day and it won’t be pretty.

9.      They force laugh REALLY LOUD. Oh you know what I am talking about. Everything is funny to them. I could have just told this person that my dog died and they would laugh super loud to get the attention of every single person at the park.

10.  They tell Johnny Ass Kicker that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to take turns on the swing. “Just don’t get off honey that little boy will just have to wait for 18 hours.”

There you have it. The top ten signs you may be way too close to the asshole at the park. If you recognize any of these run the other way. Heck print this list out and bring it with you. Reference it if you need to. Share it so others are not subjected to this torture.  If any of these signs sound like you well I am sorry to say YOU may be the asshole at the park so then take this as a lesson.  Put your Manolo's away. Let your kid wear ripped jeans and get dirty. Play with him. You won't regret it. I promise you.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A Whole New World

What is it about change that can be so hard? Is it the letting go of the past or is it moving on into the uncertainty of the future? It’s never easy. It’s often exciting. It’s always bittersweet. As humans we find joy in comfort. We find comfort in familiarity and the moment that changes it’s hard. As humans we are constantly changing. We are moving along in life to…well to live. As kids we are exploring the world on a daily basis. As teenagers we are exploring where we think we want to be in the world and as adults we are hoping we have found it.

As a parent we are no longer worrying about our place in the world half as much as we are worrying about our child’s place. From the moment the positive test is in your hands you are no longer thinking about your needs. Your place has been found. You have been defined. You are now a parent. It’s scary, it’s exciting and holy crap it’s a whole lot of change all at once.

As a kid I remember my grandmother constantly telling me to enjoy my youth. It goes fast she would say. Before you know it you will look back and wonder where the time has gone. My grandmother is right about a lot of things, but she was spot on with this one. It goes fast. Just when you think your own youth couldn’t have possibly moved along any quicker you have your own child and let’s just say don’t blink or yes you may actually miss something. I remember every single detail about carrying my oldest son. I remember the day I went into labor like it was yesterday. I remember seeing his face for the first time, holding him and knowing I had never felt love like that before. I remember the moment he wrapped his little hand around my finger and thinking this is what I have been waiting for. This is what I have been looking for.

I watched him see things for the first time, laugh for the first time, crawl, stand, walk and talk.  I have watched and smiled as he has become the little boy I see now. The confident, although sometimes annoying yet beautiful little boy we created. I look at him run around with his friends, laughing, completely care free and I think about all the things I want for him in this life. I think about how much I want to protect him from being hurt for as long as I possibly can. I think about how I want him to remain innocent from the world for years. I think about how I want him to be able to hold his own and succeed at whatever he wants to do. I think about how much I want to hold on to the hugs, the snuggles and the kisses because I know they are fleeting. It’s only a matter of time before he is too embarrassed to hug me or tell me he loves me. I think about all of this and I realize just how short the “little kid” days really are.

Here I sit one day away from putting my little boy on a school bus for the very first time and I know just how excited he is and just how nervous I am…change is bittersweet. I used to always wonder why Kindergarten was such a big deal to parents. I now know it is the first big step towards independence. It is the realization that the five years before this went so fast and knowing that the next five will go even faster. It is the realization that it is them breaking away from needing you as much as they did the day before. It is all your fears, hopes and dreams for them starting to happen and like all changes in life everything is out of your control.  It is change, change is hard, change is bittersweet but change is necessary.

In less than two days I will put my little boy on a big school bus. I will hold back tears and tell him to have a great day. I will wave and smile and watch as the bus drives down the street taking my little boy off to a whole new world. It will be the first of many bittersweet changes along this journey we call life.

I will be here with open arms and ears ready to hear all about his new exciting world.