Thursday, July 24, 2014

This Is Motherhood

Before I became a mother there were things about motherhood I knew everything about (try to control your laughter) and there were things about motherhood I knew nothing about. I picked up all the books my friends who were new mothers suggested and suddenly I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about motherhood. After all I had read every single book there was to read on the subject of motherhood and I had a dog so clearly I was an expert. I had been preparing for motherhood for as long as I could remember and I was beyond ready. I have always been a firm believer that you don’t just jump into the water before finding out everything there is to know about said water. (I’m really fun I swear.) So it was my belief that in order to become a mother I should learn everything possible about babies and children beforehand.  So I did just that. I didn’t just read books. I asked question after question to all my friends who were already mothers.

I found out everything I should be eating and not eating. I found out the best ways to make sure my baby would sleep through the night. I bought the best products that were going to help my baby stay happy and engaged throughout the day.  I was ready…for a baby right?  The funny thing is throughout all the books I read and questions I asked I never once thought to ask the most important question: What is the one thing about Motherhood no one told you? I wish I had asked that because in my opinion you can prepare for labor and for all things baby like diapering, feeding, rocking, and swaddling but nothing prepares you for motherhood.  Bringing home a baby is just the beginning of a long journey. Some of it is beautiful and amazing and some of it is hard and lonely. Here are some things I wish I had known about motherhood:

1.     Motherhood is beautiful and terrifying all at once.

2.     You won’t always be happy as a mother.

3.     You will always love your child/children but there will be times you don’t like them and that is completely normal.

4.     There will be times you will want to cry in the corner.

5.     There will be times you do cry in the corner.

6.     You will learn you are so much stronger than you thought.

7.     The first time you hear your child laugh you will find a part of your heart that you didn’t realize existed and it will make you smile a smile you didn’t know was possible.

8.     You will doubt yourself.

9.     You will at some point sound like your mother and it will make you both cringe and giggle.

10.   You will share information with your friends that you never would have thought was appropriate before kids, things like “OMG I haven’t pooped in at least four days!”, and “Why are my nipples so sore this kid doesn’t even have teeth yet?”, and “I’m seriously telling my husband the Dr. said 4 more weeks.” They will laugh with you, cry with you, and understand you in ways that only a mother can.

11.     You will do anything for sleep. For example a person who may have said she would never rock her child in a glider all night just to get some shut eye will do just that. Hell I would have swung on a swing at 3am by myself in a park to get my first born to sleep for longer than 1 hour at a time. Seriously!

12.      You will learn as you go and that is just fine. Your kids will somehow think you know what you’re doing, until they’re teenagers of course and then you are suddenly the biggest idiot on the planet.

13.      You will feel judged by others.

14.       You will judge others.

15.      You will empathize with other mothers in public. You are now part of the club and sticking together is how we survive.

16.      You will sit and stare at a wall while your child naps because you haven’t had a moment to yourself in who knows how long.

17.       You will look forward to going to the dentist.

18.     You will feel protective in a way you never thought possible. Hey there mama bear.

19.   You will love your spouse in a different way than you did before you had children. 

20.     You will learn to let some things go.

21.     You will sometimes miss who you once were.

22.    You will learn from your children.

23.   You will experience love that is all encompassing, beautiful, terrifying, and endless.

24.                        There will be good days.

25.                        There will be bad days.

26.                        There will be excellent days

27.                        There will be horrible days.

28.       You will come out of each day tired but strong.

29.      You are more prepared for this gig than you give yourself credit for.

30.      You are not perfect but neither is the mother next to you or the one next to her. It is our one commonality.

Motherhood comes with pressure. It comes with pressure from the people around us but most of the pressure we feel comes from ourselves. I think motherhood is something to tackle day by day. I read so many books it was as if I thought I could prepare for the entire journey before I even had a child. What I’ve learned along the way is that there is no book that can prepare you for the love you will feel and the doubt and disappointments you will experience on this journey.

 At the end of the day we all want to raise our children to be successful and caring adults. Instead of worrying so much about that though I think we need to stay focused on the here and now. If our children go to bed feeling loved we are doing our job. The days aren’t all going to be perfect but that’s life. Motherhood isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It’s filled with storms and clouds. It’s because of those storms that we are able to appreciate the rainbows.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

The Plan

I worry too much. I always have.

I worry about everything. I always have.

I worry about the little things.

I worry about the big things.

I worry about the laundry getting done.

I worry about dinner.

I worry about homework.

I worry about the mess.

I worry about the clutter.

I worry about getting to where we need to go on time.

I worry about the kids.

I worry about being a good wife.

I worry about being a good mom.

I worry.

Don’t stress about the small things they say.  It isn’t until you are faced with a big thing that you realize how small the small things  really are.  I’m a mom. I worry because I love my family, but the truth of the matter is my worry won’t solve problems.  My worry will keep me up at night, but it won’t fix things.

My worry won’t change the words that I know I will hear over and over in my head. The worry won’t change the fact that I can’t control it all. It won’t change the fact that I would wish this away if I could. It just won’t.  When you hear a doctor tell you that there is something wrong with one of your children your world crashes down around you. Instantly. What was once your reality is long gone and you look down the road to a new reality hoping for answers.  When you’re a kid you think love can solve everything. The truth is it can’t but it sure does help.  So does hope. So I refuse to lose either of those things.  Life is changing for us and that’s okay. We will go forward with our new knowledge and we will come out stronger on the other side of this seemingly dark cloud.  

Aortic Aneurysm she said.  Significant size she said. We will figure this out she said. He is still a normal 2 1/2 year old she said. We are sending you for more tests she said…and then she handed me a tissue and just like that I looked at him laughing and playing and I smiled because hope and knowledge are what we have and that is a whole hell of a lot.  Life doesn’t go as planned but the plan is life.

What I'm listening to: