A Beautiful Mess

My youngest son is in first grade this year. The other day his teacher told me she had something she wanted to share with me. Immediately I thought, oh boy let’s hope it’s not too embarrassing. He’s a good kid, but he’s six years old so you know how that can go. She went on to tell me that they had been discussing heroes in class that morning. She decided to go around the room and ask each child who their hero is. Many of the kids named their firefighter father, police mom, nurse mom, veteran grandpa, and even some superheroes. When she got to my son she expected him to say my husband- after all, he is a firefighter. Instead he quickly replied, “My mom is my hero because she makes me feel safe and happy.” There I stood crying in front of my son’s teacher not because it made me sad, but because my son expressed what I have always hoped my children know. At the end of every day no matter how long or difficult the day was, I hope that my children feel loved. I hope they feel safe and I most certainly hope they feel happy.

After all that is what family is right? Family is both our armor and our cocoon from the rest of the world. Family is never perfect. Not ever. Family is messy, but it’s a beautiful kind of mess. Family is a big old mess of a morning. It is a one kid can’t find a shoe, dad ran over the garbage pail on his rush off to work, the dog stepped in the only mud puddle in the yard, and the other kid let him back in the house kind of morning. Family is mom getting her kids onto the school bus and coming back into the house to cry into her coffee about the morning she wishes she could do over. Family is the kids running off the bus in the afternoon with big smiles and hugs as if the morning is but only a blip in time on their memory, because it is.

Family is the ups and the downs. Family is dedicated to celebrating the ups and finding our way out from the downs. Family is full of surprises. Some are good and some are not. Family is sitting in a waiting room for six hours while your husband undergoes open heart surgery and praying to God that if this all works out you will most certainly be a better person, because you just can’t even begin to imagine your life without that man. Family is holding the hand of your dying Grandmother because she has done it for you from the time you were a little girl in pigtails until the day you had your very own child. Family is jumping for joy when your sister tells you she’s having a baby. It is crying when you hold that baby for the first time because somewhere in your memory bank you remember the day your parents brought her home as if it was yesterday. Family is looking at your children and feeling ever so grateful for your own parents because you realize that without them you wouldn’t be the mom you are today.

Family is sitting around the dinner table and listening to two little boys talk and talk and talk. It is catching a glimpse of my husband and promising him with my smile that we will catch up at some point. We will have time to talk to one another even if it’s as we start to fall asleep. It is listening to the stories that these little boys are telling us in the hopes that they will never stop talking to us. Family is a hug in the kitchen to remind us how important we are to each other and that talking isn’t always necessary, it’s the listening that counts. 

Family settles into the night with a story. It’s a tired mom trying to stay awake while her six-year-old reads the book because he’s so very proud. It might take longer but she knows it’s worth it. It’s a dad stressed about his day at work tomorrow but hiding it so that his nine-year-old can tell him all about the game he played at recess. Family is those two tired parents making time for one glass of wine and a five minute adult conversation. It’s a wife telling her husband not to stress and a husband telling her he’s sorry he has been so busy lately. 

Family is honest.Family shows up even when you tell them not to. Family drops everything. Family is all in. Always. With no questions asked. We figure it out, together. We fight loud but we love big. We get on each other’s nerves. We say sorry. We say I love you. We laugh. We cry. We celebrate. We grieve. We embrace the mess because somewhere within that mess lies the beauty of life. And at the end of the day no matter how good or bad it was we feel safe and happy because of the love of family. So jump in and embrace the beautiful mess. We will catch you if you fall. 

This piece was featured on the TODAY Parenting Team

We Are The Helpers

It was rainy and colder than normal today for August in New Jersey. The boys and I piled in the car and headed to the grocery store with a very specific list. They helped me get the items and fill the cart. When we got home they helped me unpack all the items and line them up in the kitchen. My boys are helpful when asked, but today they did everything without being told to do it. Today I could see a change in their motivation.

While we were away on vacation last week I received a group email asking for help for a family we know. The mom underwent unexpected, emergency surgery and the email was asking for volunteers to provide dinner for their family during her recovery. I chose today. I bought all the ingredients to make chicken pot pie and I explained to the boys why we were going to the store, and why I was cooking in the middle of the day. They were eager to help. I remember people doing the same for me seven years ago when my husband underwent emergency open heart surgery. Our oldest son was only 18 months and everything is such a blur, but the one thing I can’t forget is the help. I remember the meals that were delivered and the people who offered to take my son to the park. It was a hard time, but I mostly just remember the helpers.

The devastation in Texas right now is vast and hard to even comprehend from far distances. Friends of one of my closest friends went through an awful ordeal that echoes many others. They were stranded on their roof with no help in sight and as each minute turned to an hour and each hour turned to hours the situation seemed to be hopeless.

 Only it wasn’t hopeless because my friend decided that instead of doing nothing from states away she was going to step up and be a helper. Nikki and her husband Brian took to social media doing everything they could to get as many people involved in hopes of getting their friends, Kris, Mary, Matt and their pups rescued from the rising flood waters. People from all over began calling the police, and fire departments as well as the Red Cross. They were able to provide help with the necessary GPS coordinates because all street signs were of no use. After hours of not knowing if they were going to make it, they were rescued via helicopter. According to Mary, “We saw helicopters. We saw boats. We wondered. Our anxiety grew. When will ours come? It will get dark soon. 

 Then at 3:56 the text came from Nikki saying, “rescue is coming they are 2 miles away.” They lost everything, but they have been nothing but positive and grateful for their lives and the help of others. I have never met Mary, Kris or Matt but it doesn't matter. My good friend asked for help for people she loved and without hesitation I jumped and I was not alone, not by a long shot. 

You may be asking yourself why I am sharing these two stories with you. It’s simple. We are still good. We are still in this thing we call life together. Everything has felt like a big old mess recently, but in the end we are human. We still love. We still want to help. Sure helping makes you feel good and that’s fine. I told my boys today that helping others is rewarding and it’s meant to be that way. When we feel needed we feel useful and that in and of itself is rewarding. When things feel messy, clean them up. When people need, provide. When you are in need reach out and ask for help. When it feels like everything is falling down around us, pick up the pieces and start to rebuild.

You see in the end it doesn’t matter who you voted for, or if we are the same religion, or if we route for the Yankees or the Red Sox. It doesn’t matter if our parents are first generation Americans or if our relatives were here since the Founding Fathers. It doesn’t matter if you like the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. It doesn’t matter if you prefer the city or the country or if you’re a night person or a morning person, none of it matters. In the end all that matters is our ability to be human. All that matters is our ability to step up to help our fellow human in a time of need. We all have more in common than we realize and it shines through during times like this. We are all mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends, daughters and sons. We all have the fight in us to try to safely land on our feet during times of distress and we all have the instinct to step up and help when we are on the other side of the disaster. I have been watching the coverage in Texas and I will say that our ability to come together in a time of need is still strong. We are not as much of a country divided as we thought we were in the past couple of weeks. We are stepping up. We are not just looking for the helpers. We are the helpers.

Here are some links for places to help as well as uplifting stories about those who are stepping up and helping. 

Kris, Mary and Matt's story

These amazing helpers

This furniture store owner

These pictures of people coming together

The Red Cross answers how to give help and how to get help

How You Can Help

Donate to help Mary, Kris and Matt
Remember hero SGT Steve Perez

Teach Your Kids That Words Are Powerful

Choose kind words. Lead, don’t follow. If you see someone being picked on, say something. Make us proud with your actions. Don’t say something behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face. People are different. Our differences are what make us awesome.  We say these things in our house often. We are not however, naïve enough to think that our words are always being absorbed. After all I have told my kids approximately 3,786 times that toothpaste only belongs in their mouths or the sink and I can tell you that 3,656 times it has not ended up that way. I don’t stop telling them though because kids need to hear things. They need to hear them often in order for them to eventually take hold in their brains. You have to plant the seed, but you still need to water the plant in order for it to grow.

Bully. It’s a word thrown around in schools and said by parents and kids often these days. Some people will argue that it is unnecessary to discuss bullying issues so much, but stories on the news beg to differ. This week a young girl in a neighboring town reportedly took her own life due to constant bullying. She was twelve years old. Let that sink in for a minute.  It’s awful. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the grief and devastation her parents are dealing with right now. Sadly I’m fairly certain that her story here in New Jersey is echoed across the country for other devastated families who experienced something all too similar.

I’ve been trying to figure out why kids as young as ten and twelve have such anger and aggression towards their peers. I don’t have an answer. People often blame the parents of the bully and while yes in a lot of cases apples do in fact come from apple trees, I don’t think that is always the case.  I’m going to be 41. I have the gift of perspective at this point about what a small blip of time middle school and high school really are in the story of our lives. I also know though that those years play a vital part in shaping who we become as adults.

When I was a kid our middle school started in seventh grade. That meant that all the elementary school kids I had spent all those years with were suddenly thrown into a big pool of kids from all the other elementary schools. Taking a bunch of kids out of their comfort zone when they are chock in the middle of puberty can be tricky. Suddenly the friends who you were comfortable being yourself around are running with a different group. It’s a confusing time. Our school sent us all on a camping trip in the beginning of the year. We stayed in cabins and worked on team building. My guess is if you were able to look in from the outside, the kids on that trip would have looked like a bunch of lost sheep desperately trying to figure out which herd they belonged to. It was a new world for us and none of us had a clue as to what we were doing. I definitely didn’t have a clue. I had just gotten braces. All the other girls seemed to be developing at a much faster rate than I did and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Back then we tried to mask our insecurities with hairspray and blue mascara. One look at my hair and it was obvious just how much I was trying to mask.

At some point during that trip I decided to start a rumor about one of the girls I had gone with to elementary school. When she found out it was me she confronted me head on. She asked me why I would do that to her and there I stood with no answer. The honest answer was that my actions had nothing to do with her. They had everything to do with me. I took my insecurities and tried to bring her down with me. I apologized and I meant it. She forgave me and we moved on, but I never forgot that feeling I had when she looked me in the face with sadness and disappointment because of my actions. I never wanted to feel that low again. I was the mean girl and I hated myself. My parents had taught me better than that. My parents were never anything but kind to everyone they ever met and I knew that I was not being the person they expected me to be.

I dealt with my own fair share of mean girls in High School but I eventually learned that you are in fact able to choose your friends and when you find them you hold on tight. I didn’t need people in my life that made me feel bad about myself. I think it’s important to teach our kids about not being bullies, but it is equally as important to teach them that they are not defined by someone else’s opinions. They will find their people. It may take longer than they want it to, but they are out there. Of course this is easier to say as an adult than it is as a struggling preteen or teenager.

At the risk of sounding like my grandmother I can honestly say that preteens and teenagers are ill-equipped to deal with social media. They are not ready to be armed with such a weapon. Kids can’t get behind the wheel of a car before the age of sixteen or seventeen in most states, they can’t vote until 18, and they legally cannot drink until 21 yet here they are roaming the Internet when they are just not prepared yet in how to do it. Most adults, sadly not all adults, know that once you throw your words out on the internet they are there forever. If you regret something you write, and you delete it, chances are someone already took a screen shot of that regrettable statement. It’s like that toothpaste. Once you squeeze the tube you cannot shove the toothpaste back in. It’s out there.

As a writer I have seen the worst of the worst when it comes to internet trolls. There is something about being able to hide behind a keyboard that brings people to an all new level of low. When I first started writing for larger outlets I was not prepared to deal with the cruelty and judgment that was thrown my way over what I thought were simple articles about my love for my children. Oh and don’t even try to make a joke because people get all butt hurt and take everything way too seriously. There were many times I thought about stopping, but I knew that only meant evil wins. I could write an entire article about puppies and someone would have something awful to say about me. Words are bigger than we realize. Words can move people. Words make us laugh. Words make us cry. Words motivate us. Words separate us from all the other species. We choose how we use them and when we knowingly use them to hurt someone we have altered them. We have essentially turned them into a weapon. The thing our kids need to realize is that being the bully feels awful. I still remember how bad I felt for making someone else that sad. I can’t even imagine how a kid would feel when they realize that they are the reason a peer took their own life. That is unthinkable, but it’s happening.

Our kids need to know that words should not be used as weapons. Our kids need to know that when they choose to use them as a weapon they will inevitably hurt someone. Our kids need to know that their actions have consequences. They need to know that starting rumors or attacking someone on social media for how they look is a sure fire way to be known as a bad person. Kids need to know that their words can be the reason that one of their peers sits in their room and cries every single night. Their words can be keeping parents up at night with worry and fear about their child’s depression. Their words can be the reason the girl in their class has started starving herself. Their words can be the reason the boy in their class is starting to steal his mom’s pain pills. Words need to be chosen wisely. While they are trying to navigate a world that feels too big for their still small frames, their words are larger than life.  Tell them. Tell them often because their brains are still developing and eventually they may just keep that toothpaste in the sink.

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”

Rest in peace Mallory.