Parenthood

No matter how many books you read or words of advice you receive parenthood is a just one of those things that you learn as you go. Sure we have more knowledge than people did years ago but there are just some things that books and websites can’t teach you.

Parenting experts can try to teach you all about sleep schedules and adequate tummy time. They can try to teach you about your toddler, your child, your pre-teen, your teenager and on and on and on. Much like life though, parenthood is best learned by doing it.

In the almost six years that I have been a mother I have learned so many things. It amazes me daily that I have these two beautiful, energetic boys who my husband and I made.  In that short time I have learned:

Love is endless.

Patience is not.

Worry comes with the job.

It does not however, fix things.

Children are individuals and no two are alike.

Children will change you forever in the best ways.

You will be tested in ways you never quite thought possible.

No matter what else comes your way in life they will remain your biggest success and your proudest moments.

You will drop everything for them.

You will put them first.

You will sometimes miss who you once were.

You will love your spouse in a way that is so different than you did before they arrived.

You will cry.

You will laugh.

You will doubt yourself.

You will lean on your friends.

You will talk about poop. You will.

You will hurt for them.

You will try to fix things.

You will love them.

They will love you.

Parenting is overwhelming, all encompassing, hard as hell and beautiful. It often requires tears, wine, friends, and more wine but in the end the journey is about love. The rest of the stuff is just that…stuff.  If there is one thing I have learned it's to embrace it. Embrace the mayhem. Embrace the silliness. Embrace the mess. One day the kids who are making the mess, giving you gray hair, making you laugh, cuddling with you and talking non stop will be grown and you will be left trying to write a book about the things you learned along the way.

 

No Mother Is Perfect: (an interview with two women who know all about it) PLUS: A Giveaway!

Do you remember before you became a mother all the fantasies you had about how wonderful it was going to be…all the time? I barely remember if I showered this morning but I do remember those laughable fantasies I had about how I was going to be a perfect mother with perfect little children. Well thankfully I have come back down to earth and realized perfection is laughable.  You know who else knows perfection is laughable? The authors of the new book The Mother of All Meltdowns. (Get your copy now through Mother's Day for only $0.99 on Amazon)

 

In fact they recently launched a new website called No Mother Is Perfect, a community for the perfectly imperfect mother! A place where you can let your guard down and talk about the meltdowns, struggles, and less rosy aspect of being a mom. (Sign me up!)

When they asked me to be a host for the No Mother is Perfect Blog tour I said yes without hesitation (because I know all about being less than perfect). To celebrate the blog tour they’re having an amazing giveaway and you could win one of three amazing prizes including a three night spa getaway for two.   So be sure to enter by clicking the image below or the link above. The sponsors include:The Oaks at Ojai, Cariloha, Wicker Central, Metropolis Coffee Company, Wind and Fire Jewelry, Chuao Chocolatier, Global Rose, and Anew Riesling.

You can imagine from the title alone that the authors know a thing or two about having a bad day in the world of motherhood and lucky for us they are sharing their stories.  Listen I don’t know about you guys but not only is it nice to know I’m not alone; it’s even nicer to be able to laugh about it. 

I recently had the opportunity to talk to two of the book’s contributing authors; Debra Cole of Urban Moo Cow and Karen of Baking In A Tornado.  Debra is busy with a toddler while Karen is dealing with grown teenagers. I loved being able to talk to two women at different ends of the motherhood spectrum.

Hi Debra I just finished reading your piece in the book and I laughed and laughed because I could relate on so many levels.

When you hear the word meltdown what one word immediately comes to mind?

Tears (mine).

Your story was so relatable. We’ve all been on the other side of a person judging our parenting style or abilities. Do you think you were ever guilty of saying or doing something to another mother that made her feel judged before you had children?

Definitely. I don’t think you realize how fraught new motherhood is until you are in it. Plus, I’m not the most tactful person alive. When my sister gave birth to her first daughter in 2009, I slept on the floor of the hospital waiting room until my niece was delivered. A couple of hours later I went in to see my sister and told her I couldn’t believe how big her belly still was even though the baby was out. OOPS. So, yeah, I think everyone puts her foot in her mouth once in a while. Having said that, people are extremely brazen with perfect strangers in a way that I don’t think I have ever been or ever will be. That’s what my story was about.

What advice would you give to a new mother or a soon to be mother on dealing with her own meltdown?

Just breathe. Breathe and know that this has (likely) all happened to someone else at one point or another. Try to find the humor in the situation. And know that it makes a great story for a book, a blog or a dinner party!

What was your favorite thing about contributing to The Mother of All Meltdowns?

I loved getting to know Crystal and seeing her process. She is a genius!

Besides your own story what was your favorite story or story you could most relate to by another contributor in the book?

For a “funny” meltdown, I really liked Norine Dworkin’s (Science of Parenthood) piece about Lego Stress Land. I have a little boy who is increasingly into building things with blocks and Play-doh. And I’m like, Play-doh! Yay! Let’s make a ball! Let’s make a pizza! Because I’m totally effing useless at creative arts. And he’s like, no mamma, let’s make a train. I know I will break his Lego model someday. I just know it. So I laughed at that one.

For a heartbreaking meltdown, I cried my eyes out at Kristi Rieger’s (Finding Ninee) essay about yelling at her little boy on the soccer field.

In two words what would you say is the best part of being a mother and the worst part of being a mother?

Unbounded love. Loving someone so much is at once intoxicating and terrifying.

Finally, what’s next for you?

I am continuing to write on my blog, Urban Moo Cow, and also pitching to other sites. I recently had a couple of essays published on the Brain Child blog and I have one coming up at Mamalode about why little boys like trucks so much. I also have an essay being published in a new anthology about sleep (or lack thereof) published by the incomparable Lisa Nolan. Plus, we just moved from Brooklyn to a quasi-suburb in the Bronx, so I’m trying to find my new way around a new community. Excellent fodder for new stories.  J

 

Karen of Baking In A Tornado:

What do you immediately think of when you hear the word meltdown?

I cringe when I hear the word. Although this entire book was about admitting that it happens to us all, that we’re human and we all lose it, they aren’t exactly our proudest moments. Maybe some of them are our funniest moments (well, in retrospect at least), but still not our proudest.

I loved the part when you said: “And then I had teenagers. I really didn’t mean to; I meant to have babies.” What do you think is more meltdown inducing being in the trenches with babies and toddlers or with teenagers?

When you’re in the trenches with babies and especially toddlers you think it can’t get any worse. But take my word for it; they’re just the opening act. I think teenagers are more meltdown inducing, but the reason is my own fault. I taught those d@mn kids to talk. Big mistake. Teenagers are just big toddlers who can not only aggravate you with their actions, but add in the trouble resulting from whatever may come out of their mouths and you’re on the non-stop to Meltdown City.

What advice would you give mothers with young children who will one day find themselves in a house with teenagers?

Stay in shape. Because somewhere in the not so distant future those kids will be teenagers and it’s best if you can really run. Yeah, I’d like to be all intelligent and thoughtful and insightful but let’s get real here, the best advice I can give is “run”.

What was your favorite part about being a contributor for The Mother Of All Meltdowns?

I liked the diversity of the group that put this book together. The greatest part about reaching out to people with our stories is the fact that we are all different people with unique life circumstances. But we all came together to admit that sometimes things get harder than we expect. And in those moments we can all lose it, then put ourselves back together and go on trying to be the best parents we can be.

Besides your own story what other story in the book was one of your favorites and why?

Now I adore you, Jennifer and you know that. But I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday. No way am I picking out a favorite. And not because “if I told you I’d have to kill you”, but because if I told you someone could kill me.

In two words: The best part of motherhood, the worst part of motherhood.

I only need one word. For both parts of the question: kids.

In some circumstances they are our greatest achievement. In others they show us our own flaws. But we wouldn’t have it (or them) any other way.

Finally, what’s next for you?

This is the hardest question. I’m not really sure. One son started college this year and the other goes next year. My muses have left the building. I won’t be baking as much. I won’t be venting as much. I expect I’ll be incredibly lonely. How I write is, by necessity, going to have to change.

I’m fortunate enough to have a very interactive Facebook page. I asked the people who’ve been reading me for the past year and a half what they’d like to see me write about and I’ve got some great input from there to consider.

And I’m honored to be supported by an amazing group of talented bloggers who I’ve never met but call friends, including you. I’ve been encouraged by many to write a book of humorous illustrated Fairy Tales inspired by an amazingly popular post I wrote called Fairy Tale. Don’t know if I’ll finish it but I’ve started it.

I have a few other collaborative book offers I’m considering as well. So I guess I’ll be busy after all.

 

I would like to thank both Karen and Debra for being open and honest (just like their stories in the book) with these questions. I can tell you without any hesitation that you will be able to relate to more than one story in this book. You will laugh, you will cry and you will shout HOLY COW I AM SO GLAD I’M NOT ALONE!  So what are you waiting for? Order your copy for only $0.99 on Amazon now through Mother's Day and don’t forget to enter the Amazing Giveaway.

 

 

 

Let's Talk About It

“Just Say No” do you remember that famous Nancy Reagan campaign? I do.  In fact it feels like yesterday that every other car on the highway had a bumper sticker that read “Just Say No.”  There were entire school assemblies all about just saying no. There were pencils, notebooks, stickers, and television commercials that told us to just say no.  I’m not naive. I know that there were plenty of kids who didn’t in fact say no, but I also know that we talked about it. If there was one thing Nancy Reagan did with her campaign it was to open up a discussion about drugs amongst families.  Somewhere between then and now we’ve stopped talking about it.

Kids have stopped saying no and it’s become an epidemic. Heroin is killing our kids daily and while I’m not an expert when it comes to the actual statistics I know that I can’t turn on the news, pick up the newspaper or go onto the Internet without reading something about heroin being our nation’s new epidemic. As a mom this scares the crap out of me. My boys are still young and while we are not yet at the point of needing to worry about this directly it’s always there. It’s in the back of my mind every single time I read something like this:* Heroin Epidemic: A Mother's Plea*

I look at my boys and how innocent they are. I look at them playing and laughing and think that there are plenty of moms who enjoyed these simple joys with their kids too. I’m not sure how we fix the problem but I do know how I will attempt to beat it in our house. 

My dear boys,

I’m not your friend. I’m your mom. I’m well aware that there are going to be days, weeks, months and possibly years when you tell me you don’t like me or worse yet that you hate me.  I need you both to know I don’t need you to like me. I just need you to know how very much I love you. 

I know you’re both frustrated that your cell phones are not allowed anywhere near the dinner table, but dinner is our time. Your dad and I want to know all about your day. We want to know the good and the bad and all the in between.  I know you think we suck even more for not allowing them at family gatherings. Sorry boys but whatever your friends have to tell you can wait until after Pop Pop’s birthday. One day you will realize that being present is so much more important than you could possibly realize now.

I know that you are annoyed that everyone else gets to stay out later than you and I want you to know it’s not about not trusting you…really it’s not. It’s about loving you and worrying about you and knowing from experience that nothing good happens after midnight.

I want you to know that in this house you are held accountable for your actions. 

I want you to know that real friends don’t pressure you into doing things that make you uncomfortable. Real friends encourage you to be just who you are.

I want you to know that we will know all of your friends. We will also know your friends parents and please don’t think that we will hesitate to pick up the phone to call your friends parents to make sure you are where you say you are.

In our house we will talk about drugs. We will openly discuss what drugs can do to you and your dreams. We will talk about how drugs can impact not only your lives but the lives of those around you. We know most of these discussions will be met with eye rolls and we’re fine with that.  They are going to happen anyway.

 

 

I know there may come a time when the thought of doing drugs doesn’t scare you at all but I want you to remember that the thought of either of you doing drugs scares me to death. Drugs can take you away from me. Drugs can take you away from yourself. Remember that. Just say no and come home.  It will be a decision you never regret. 

 

 

I want you both to know that there isn't anything you can’t talk about with us. There is nothing you can tell us that will make us love you any less.  From the moment we held each of you in our arms we promised to love you…unconditionally. 

I want you to know that your dad and I aren’t perfect and we don’t always have all the answers. We are doing the best we can to raise you both with love. We want you to reach for your dreams and we will support your dreams, the big and the small.  We will also pick you up when you fall and tell you to carry on.

I promise to always be honest and loving with you both and I expect the same in return.  They say home is where your story begins and your stories have captured me from the moment we brought you home. I’m excited to follow your stories even after you leave home. I’m excited to see where your stories will lead you. I promise you that I will cheer you on and support you and no matter what I will love you.  Always know that I am here and when it feels like everyone else has left… I am always here.

All my love,

Mom

 

If we don’t encourage our children to share the little things when they are young they may never share the big things when they are older.

 

*Read the above article. Share it with your kids. Share it with those you love. Let's beat this epidemic*

 

*Write a letter to your children. Let them read it. Let's get talking*