Today Alyson of The Shitastrophy joins us for Motherhood Monday with a post about getting caught with her tail between her legs and wishing she had bit her tongue...well at least in front of her son anyway. We've all done it, said something about someone in front of our kids that we shouldn't have. We don't all get caught but let Alyson's story be a lesson to you before it's too late. I have a special love for Alyson, not just because she says it like it is (which I love) and is always hilarious when she does (which I also love) but because she is originally from NJ and because we share a like for a certain four letter word. So let's lighten things up today and have a laugh. Learn about her here and you will love her as much as I do.
Originally from NJ, Alyson now lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has to make a conscious effort to not curse in most conversations. She is the mother of two kids that provide constant fodder for her blog, The Shitastrophy. Her husband lives in fear that every thing he does or says will be highlighted in her next post, Face Book update, or Tweet. Alyson loves her two huge Bernese Mountain Dogs, even if they do eat their weight in food each month. You can follow Alyson on her blog The Shitastrophy, on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Google +
I have had (see how that was past tense, you’ll know why in a second) a habit of saying things when my kids were around that in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have. I was not aware that they were actually listening or I would have not said anything in the first place. I am sure everyone has had this, at least I hope so. One day though I realized my kids do listen, and that they will repeat what I say.
Last year my oldest was in second grade and just turned 8. This kid never listens to me. To get his attention I have to actually scream his last name at him! I blame this on the fact that his class had 4 Jacob’s. I went to school with 6 Allison’s, Alison’s, Alyson’s so I know how this can be. Whenever I want him to do something, or have a conversation with him, I have to practically hit the floor right in front of him to get eye contact. What this kid lacks in attention though he has double the dose in memory. For those that know me, he clearly does not get this from me. Just when I thought he never listens I learn that he actually does listen, just not when I want him to.
His school had a pickup procedure that entailed parking your car and walking up to a general area to collect your child. It was a gorgeous September day and I was running a little late for pickup. Thank God because that meant only a few people would hear my horrible parenting move. I pulled into the lot like I was right out of NASCAR, got out of the car and ran up to get my two chitlins. Jacob was standing on the top of the church staircase talking to a little boy from his class. I was not a super fan of this child’s parents and apparently I had said something about my lack of love for the mother within earshot of Jake. Not good.
Soon as I walked up to get Jake the other boy said to me, “Why did you call my mom crazy?”
Uhhhhhh What? My mind went blank. Fuck.
“Oh honey, I didn’t call your mom crazy.” I totally called his mom crazy. I grabbed Jake’s arm and told him we needed to get his sister and leave.
Jacob looked at me and said, “No Mom you did call his mom Crazy, remember?”
“No honey, you must have misunderstood me. I would never do that.” Uh, yea I totally did that. How the hell was I gonna get out of this?
I was giving Jacob the stink eye but he was not even aware of it, typical. I looked at the little boy standing on the stairs and he was genuinely upset, who wouldn’t be? I called his mom a name that I shouldn’t have. I never thought that this little guy would have heard my unflattering comments about his mom. When you are in 2nd grade you still like your mom. Hell some people even still like their mom in adulthood.
Jacob further helped dig the hole I was halfway in when he continued demanding that I did in fact say that.
“Yes, Mom you did call his mom Crazy. Remember we were in the car and you were on the phone with so and so. You said his mom is CRAZY.”
I looked at the little boy and thought, it’s official I am an asshole. I explained to the little boy that I would not have said that because that would have been wrong and mean. I am totally going to hell for lying to this kid, while I am on the church steps nonetheless! I couldn’t cop to it. How do you shatter a 8 year old’s opinion of his mother. Cause seriously that chick is totally crazy.
I got Jacob by the elbow and literally pulled him away from the scene of the crime. All the while he was demanding, loudly for anyone within a 15 foot radius, that I did in fact call her crazy. Thanks buddy.
I then turned into my mother when the phrase I hated hearing as a child came out of my mouth to my son, “Jacob what happens in our home stay’s in our home.”
Oh my God! I not only lied on church property, hurt an 8 year old’s feelings, but I just became my mother all in a matter of minutes. WTF just happened?