The Beach: People With Kids vs. People Without Kids

I have two boys.  They require a crap ton of preparation before heading to the beach. As much as I adore summer and the time I get with them I find myself sometimes longing for the days when all it took to go to the beach was me, a towel and a good book. Those days are long gone and I can tell you from experience it is pretty easy to pick out who has kids on a beach and who doesn’t. Kids don’t need to be anywhere near people to tell if they have them or not.                                 

People with kids have two tons of crap with them. No really. They have boogies boards, kick boards, noodles, buckets, shovels, rakes, plastic things shaped like stars and turtles, coolers, chairs, towels (enough for way more than the amount of people with them) 8 varieties of sunscreen, (baby sunscreen, face sunscreen, sunscreen in the form of a stick, spray, cream, sweat proof, water proof, keep you looking like Casper guaranteed), umbrellas, and a big giant blanket.

 

People without kids have a towel, a chair and a cooler.

 

People with kids have a cooler filled with juice boxes, sandwiches, pretzels, goldfish, watermelon, grapes, granola bars, water, cookies, chips, crackers, cheese, yogurt sticks, strawberries and a baked ham for the love of Pete. There is pretty much nothing left in the kitchen of their home. It’s all in the damn cooler.

 

People without kids have beer, water (if they’re smart) and a sandwich.

 

People with kids look exhausted before they even set up for the day. They seriously look like they need a nap, an IV of coffee and possibly a hospital stay.

 

People without kids look either hung over or well rested. There is nothing in between.

 

People with kids set up beach chairs but never sit in them for all that long. They are either building a sand castle, getting their kids a snack, chasing a  kid,  calming a crying kid, applying sunscreen to a kid, preventing a kid from going out to sea or looking around and wondering how long everyone will stay happy.  They absolutely never get to sit back and close their eyes. No sir. People with kids are like Prison Wardens…always watching.

 

People without kids are sitting in their chairs, holding conversations, sipping a beer, or simply watching the waves.  They may even *GASP* get to close their eyes and take a nap. (I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it)

 

When people with kids decide it’s time to leave the beach it’s usually because the kids are crying, hitting each other, pooped through a stupid flipping swimmy diaper or there are no snacks left to keep the kids quiet.  It takes them approximately 45 minutes and 12 seconds to pack up all the crap they showed up with.  They may actually NEED a hospital stay at this point.

They head to their mini vans and SUVs and throw all the crap in the back. They then load up all the kids, get in the car and head home to relax. HAHAHAHHAHAHA No that’s not right. They head home to give a bunch of tired kids baths, feed them (kids seriously eat ALL THE TIME) and hopefully get them to bed before they themselves are face first in a plate of cold spaghetti.

 

People without kids fold up their chairs and head off the beach to a bar.  They then go home take peaceful hot showers and sleep for 14 hours.

 

So listen people without kids enjoy your days at the beach. Every now and then give us a wave and a smile of sympathy and if you ever happen to catch our tired asses out at a bar buy us a drink. We had to get our kids ready, hire a sitter and oh forget it that’s a whole other story.

While you may remember the chaos your children will only remember the happiness

 

 

 

 

 

 

June Secret Subject Swap-The Invention That Will Change Mothers Everywhere!

 

Today’s post is part of The Secret Subject Swap hosted by Karen over at Baking In a Tornado My subject is: You're the creator of a magnificent new invention! What is it and why did you invent it? It was submitted by Daily Dose of Damn  This was so fun to participate in and I hope you will have fun reading it.

 

Mom Brain, according to the Urban Dictionary it is the phenomenon known to mothers where their brains become useless piles of goo after being around their children for too long. I would say this is 100% accurate. My brain has officially become a pile of goo. I will walk into a room on a clear cut mission but once standing in said room I couldn’t tell you what that mission was even if you offered me money.  I go to the grocery store with a full written list in my hands yet somehow I get home and find out I have forgotten at least three things on that list.  I have been known to have full conversations with my husband and forget the content completely. It’s awful. I for one am sick of it. I want my brain back. So it got me thinking there has to be something that will help my goo turn back to brilliance. (Okay that may be pushing it but stay with me).

I’ve invented something and you are going to want it. The other night I was sitting in my bed stretched towards the wall while trying to tweet on my charging phone and it hit me, why can’t we recharge our brains? So mom’s I invented the brain recharger. It’s simple really and requires no electricity. Please let us not take up another outlet as they are all filled with phones, lap tops, IPads, IPods, and the like.  The mommy brain recharger comes in one simple package. You send away for it at www.bringmemybrain.com and 5 weeks later (when we remember to send it to you) it arrives on your doorstep. When you open the box you will find, bubble bath,  wine, an unbreakable wine glass, ear plugs, an eye mask, a neck pillow,  a gift certificate for a mani/pedi, a business card for a free babysitting service run by only the best, background checked, Mary Poppins like women. You will also find a mandatory order to take a random 2 hour nap at a paid for hotel while Mary Poppins plays with your little or not so little rug rats. Your house will be clean, dinner will be made and your kids will behave better than you could have ever imagined when you get home. 

The best part is when you get home your brain will be with you mama! You will be able to think again like you did back in college, okay high school, okay whenever you were actually at your best.  You will walk into a room with a purpose and you will not forget what it is. You will have conversations again without losing your train of thought and suddenly thinking about a poop diaper. You will be focused and ON YOUR GAME! The best part is our Bring Me My Brain package comes with a money back guarantee and if you buy it within the next two weeks and mention this post you will get the package valued at *Too expensive for you* for 26 easy payments of $19.95. How can you beat that?!  I mean honestly I don’t think you can really put a monetary value on having your brain back do you?

So what are you waiting for pick up the phone and dial: 1 800-my-brain-is-goo these packages won’t last long. 

 

Disclaimer: Not all mom brains can be cured with one package. Some women may require a series of packages before seeing a noticeable difference. Some women have been known to order repeatedly. You may experience sadness once you are finished with the package.  Under no circumstances are you to hold the baby sitter hostage. Once you return home she goes home. Some women may lose motivation to return to normal household duties.

This woman clearly took it too far.

Some women may hide in the bathtub for longer than expected. If any of these side effects should occur please don’t call us we barely have time to send out the packages let alone answer the phone.

 

The preceding post is a work of fiction an invention or fabrication as opposed to fact. If you should attempt to call 1800-my-brain-is-goo or visit www.bringmemybrain.com you will be met with disappointment.

This has been a work of fiction sponsored by Baking In A Tornado and inspired by Daily Dose of Damn 

Go take a look at the other June Secret Subject Swaps. It’s fun and no one ever gets hurt I promise.

 

http://BakingInATornado.com                                 Baking In A Tornado

http://singlemumplusone.blogspot.com                    Searching for Sanity

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                    Black Sheep Mom

http://indianamericanmom.com                              Indian American Mom

http://dailydoseofdamn.blogspot.com/                     Daily Dose of Damn

http://aworkingmomswhoas.blogspot.com/              A Working Mom's "Whoas"

http://dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com                         Dawn’s Disaster

www.akashicwindow.blogspot.com                         Akashic Aisles:The Basement View

 

www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com                    The Pursuit of Normal

www.homeonderanged.com                                   Home on Deranged

www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                          Evil Joy Speaks

 

 

I Survived The Pediatrician's Office and All I Got Was A Stinky Diaper

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would one day be sitting in a Pediatrician’s office playing defense, goalie,  ridiculous clown, sweating my butt off, ready to cry I would have laughed and said what kind of sissy do you think I am?! I mean really, how hard can going to a Dr.’s office with kids really be? Well I’ll tell you hard, harder than any trip to the gym, or run, or written test, or Chinese water torture I could ever possibly participate in.  In fact television executives I have a new reality show for you and I can tell you no one is winning this shit.

I swear they stick you in those little rooms and have you sit there waiting with secret cameras filming every agonizing moment. The nurses probably all make popcorn and shout to each other come on ladies we’ve got a fresh one here. Let’s see how long she can hold it together.  Today I held it together, if that’s what you can call it for 42 minutes and 4 seconds.  Our appointment time was 11am. The Dr. came in to see us at exactly 11:42 and 4 seconds and trust me those seconds count. I think my son’s lunch box may be slightly larger than the room we were in today. I am in a tight space with a 4 year old and a 2 year old whom I have already undressed down to his diaper, following the instructions of the nurse.

They were running behind mainly because it was a monsoon here today and patients were running late pushing back all the appointments. I can’t even get mad at that because if we are being honest I didn’t show up until 11:04 so by the time I signed in we were officially late.  The trip started with me trying to wrestle two kids into rain gear, with the oldest demanding on wearing Monster’s Inc. shorts with Fireman rain boots. Listen who am I to argue this isn’t a damn fashion show. I start walking each of them to the car under the umbrella when the two year old decides he’s going to take off and splash in all the puddles. I wouldn’t have cared if this was light rain but this was literally Cats, Dogs and possibly Rabbits falling from the sky. I ran after him and my umbrella went flying so now I look like I just got out of the shower, the one where I forgot to undress first. Awesome.

We get to the office and a very nice new naive mother is holding the door open for us with one hand and her baby in that ridiculously heavy car seat carrier in the other. My kids decide this is a great time to get into a fight over who will go first. As to not scare this new mommy I tried to remain calm until finally out of fear that her arm may literally fall out of the socket I screamed: “Who cares who goes first just go for the love of GOD!!!!”

We get into the lunch box room and the boys are instantly arguing over who gets to play with the abacus. I mean really? We have an abacus at home and I’m pretty sure I need to use the leaf blower to remove the dust at this point.  I break up this nonsense and move on to the lovely smell of CRAP! I look at my 2 year old and ask him buddy did you poop? As if at this point it’s even a question. I mean if he didn’t then there is a horse in the next room. Now I have to change his diaper on that stupid table with the crinkly paper and he is all squirmy. I get him changed all while having to listen to my four year old complain how bad it smells. Cue the sweat. I am starting to lose it people. I am picturing the nurses laughing so hard at this point and I want some popcorn.  I look up to see a sign that says Please take your dirty diapers with you above a picture of Pepe Le Pew. (Hahahaha I get it a skunk smells as does this shit how cute!) So now I am in a lunch box with two kids and a poop diaper. Stop being jealous.

I won’t bore you with the next 20 minutes of screaming, removing medical tools from their hands, getting them to stop banging on the windows and all the other fun shenanigans, but I can tell you a good time was NOT had by all.

After the visit was over I breathed a big sigh of relief until I realized I still had to leave with the poop diaper. As if this cake needs any icing there isn’t an outside garbage pail to be found at this place so you guessed it I had to ride home with two hungry, whiney kids and one stinky ass diaper.  Doctors office 12 Outsmarted Mommy Zip.

 

Time for a glass of wine!