My boys love nothing more than a Superhero. They love to watch them, dress up like them and imagine they are living daily life as one. They take turns dressing as Superman one week, Batman the next, & Spiderman the week after that. They love to pretend they are saving the planet from bad guys. Each superhero has their own secret powers of course. Spiderman can climb buildings; Batman has super human strengths from years of training and Superman well he can fly, amongst other things.
I always knew I would be a good mom. This is not to be confused with a perfect mom, because that I am not but I’m a good mom. I did not however expect to become a Superhero when I became a mom but all evidence is leading me to believe that I just might be.
- I have the ability to know what is going on in
another room even when a solid wall is between these two rooms. For example I
know the minute one of the kids has gotten into something they weren’t supposed
to and I can often be found shouting: “I know what’s going on in there and it
better stop”. *Two
DeerKids in headlights can be found sitting in the next room*
- I have the ability to become 100% invisible to the human eye. I can literally be standing in a room telling my children to clean up and they will continue to watch TV as if I am not even in the room. The only explanation for this is that I become invisible at times.
- I am able to speak but no one can actually hear me. I can
asktell my children to do something 25 times in a row and apparently the only one who can hear me by the 25th time is the dog which means he may in fact have powers as well.
- I can randomly begin speaking in foreign languages. For example when I ask my boys to start to clean up the toys at the end of the day they suddenly are unable to understand me and I know that once again my foreign language powers have gotten in the way of simple instructions. *Note I don’t actually know a foreign language so yes Superhero once again*
- I have the ability to turn into an octopus before dinner. I am able to cook, all while breaking up fights, changing diapers, fixing the puzzle, getting snacks and juice, & turning up the TV while continuing to cook. The only explanation is that I suddenly have at least 6 arms. (I too thought it was 8 but I Googled it to find this crap out & it’s six).
- I can make a boo boo go away with a swift kiss, tickle and application of 6 Scooby Doo bandages. It’s seriously as if it NEVER happened, spooky I know!
- I am able to distract a child away from what they clearly suspect is an opened box of cookies on the counter and in the process convince them it’s just a box of tissues. (NO THIS IS NOT LYING IT’S A SUPERPOWER DARN IT)
- I am able to send secret sound wave signals to my children the moment my ass hits a chair, head hits a pillow or foot steps into a shower. I can instantly wake them from a deep sleep when I am about to do any of these things. I need to figure out how to control this one.
- I am able to bring sudden rain or wind storms out of nowhere. All I have to do is spend 25
hoursminutes wrestling two kids into all the necessary outdoor gear, allow them to take out every bike, scooter, ball, bat, skateboard and Frisbee and a blue sky will instantly turn grey and a storm will arrive in 5 minutes flat. I haven’t quite figured out what this power could be used to do to fix evil in the world but I know that it brings evil into mine!!
- Last but certainly not least, I can fix any child’s constipation by announcing one of the following things: Dinner is hot and on the table (suddenly everyone has to poop & by the time this debacle is over dinner is cold) Mommy is going in the shower, or it’s time for bed. These things all signal some type of reaction in my children. It’s nothing short of awesome and by awesome I mean a real shit show.
So you see it is from all of this evidence that I have come up with the only reasonable explanation which is that I am in fact a Superhero. I am Invisblemuteoctowoman or something that sounds better. I’m sure the Government will be contacting me any day now to do top secret work for them.