Where's The Rewind Button?

My youngest son turned 2 today. Two years ago today he changed my world for a second time in ways that I never dreamt possible.  There is nothing quite like meeting the little life that you made after 9 long months of waiting to hold them.  The first time you see their face, hold their hand and look into their eyes is nothing short of miraculous. There is absolutely nothing like it.  I remember when my first son was born I cried and said to my mother as she came in to meet him, “I have never loved anyone this much.” She responded with a simple “I know” and wiped back tears.  Before my youngest arrived I knew I would feel that way all over again the minute I got to hold him…and I did.  Two years ago today I felt that overwhelming feeling of love, and great responsibility rush over me. Two years. Where does the time go?

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I have to admit I am guilty of something, not only guilty but slightly ashamed of it. I am guilty of hitting the fast forward button. Yes that’s right the fast forward button.  When I first brought each of the boys home I reveled in snuggle time, feeding time, diaper changing, cooing, and kissing and so on. Then reality hits you in the face like a big fat spatula and you are flipping Exhausted.  So you (or at least I do) look for the fast forward button. You suddenly find yourself saying oh my god when will this baby sleep? When will my big fat kangaroo pooch go down? When will my boobs feel and look normal again? (Oh never that’s right!) When will I ever feel somewhat human again? (That’s debatable) I suddenly found myself wishing or looking forward to the next stage. Oh it will be so great when this little guy is sleeping for 3 hours at a clip. Then that happens. Oh it will be so great when he only needs to feed twice a night.  (As you can figure out I do not do well under sleep deprivation circumstances)

Then come the milestones.  It will be so much easier when he can crawl, stand, walk so he can keep up with his big brother.  I can’t wait for teething to be over the poor kid is miserable (oh and not sleeping yet again).  The list of things can go on and on and I said these things without even realizing that in doing so I was pushing a fast forward button.  Please don’t think that I didn’t enjoy my babies first years because I did but as my youngest turns two today I am overwhelmed with many emotions and some of them have me wishing for a rewind button.  You see in all likelihood the little guy is probably my last baby and I find myself wishing I could hold him one more time as a newborn, and sniff his hair as I rock him at 1am, and feed him while I know the rest of my neighborhood is fast asleep.  I think I always thought we would have one more after him and now I’m left feeling like I didn’t appreciate our time as much as I should have.  I feel myself wishing there had been a way to bottle up the sensation of lying in bed at night and feeling the life we had created kick inside of me. I wish I could hear the sound of that amazing heart beat through the fetal Doppler or watch in amazement as the ultrasound technician shows us our little baby swimming around.

I wish I had memorized everything about the moment the Dr. said “It’s a boy” and placed him on my chest for the first time. I wish I had spent more time enjoying the late night feedings instead of doing them one eyed all while dreaming about getting back into bed.  I wish I could relive the first time he crawled, walked or said mama. The first time he reached up for me.  I want to do it all again. I want just one day to rewind and relive all of it, but I can’t.  

Then I realize that if I went back I wouldn’t be here with both of my boys how they are now and I don’t want to trade that. Okay some days I might, when they are fighting with each other and talking back to me and whining all day but I won’t.  I’ll keep them how they are now and appreciate my days moving forward.  I’ll take the good, the bad and the ugly with the two people who made me realize why I am here.  They made me a mom the day they were born but they make me a better person every day.  

The thing is I do have memories. I have them all. Memories are what define us as we go through life. Our past makes us who we are in our present which makes us who we want to be in our future. I remember all the details about holding each of them for the first time, and their big milestones and I know there were many times I sat with each of them at 1am and sniffed their baby shampooed heads and whispered I loved them. I did all of it and doing it over would only change who they are.  So maybe it’s not really about doing it over but more about knowing I will never do it again.

I asked a dear friend one time how I would know when I was done having kids. She said it’s simple. You will look at your family one day and you will know if it’s complete.  The thing about family is maybe it’s never really complete.  There is always room for it to grow.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have more children of your own it means that family extends further than those under your own roof.  Families grow every day. There is always room for more. There is room for nieces, nephews, cousins, grandchildren, great grandchildren and friends. I don’t know that families are ever really complete but rather a constant work in progress.  

So today, on my beautiful boy’s birthday I looked at him and had memories of the baby days all come rushing back. I remembered all the details about the night I went into labor and I remembered the moment the Dr. told my husband and I that we had another boy.  Then I listened to my two year old hold a complete conversation at the library with another mom and I beamed with pride. I watched him smile all day long and tell people he was two.  I took him for a bagel and sat and we had a chat. I wouldn’t trade this stage for anything.  That’s the thing I don’t really want a rewind button after all. I want to be right here in the present because here is a great place to be.  As for the future, no one knows what that holds other than promise. The future is always filled with promise and that is something pretty awesome to look forward to. 

Happy Birthday Buddy! Mommy got you this pause button with all my love.  (Hey nothing wrong with a little pause every now and then)

Hold on to memories, they wind up being the story of your life.

A One Way Ticket To Opinion Town

So it’s the moment…the one you’ve always dreamt of…you peed on the stick and you’re waiting, anxiously waiting.  Suddenly in exactly two minutes time your world has completely changed. Congratulations, you’re going to be a mom. We don’t all get to this place in the same way. Some women plan for months, years and finally it happens. Some women don’t have time to plan at all because surprise…it happens. Some women go through great struggle before finally getting that positive sign. No matter how you got here there is one thing we all share in common, and it’s not the developing human inside of you. It’s the annoying fact that the minute you decide to share with the world that you are in fact pregnant IT begins. IT is so annoying. IT will aggravate you, offend you, cause you to nod and smile more than you ever thought possible, you may even shed a few tears. Just know that you are not alone and IT happens to every new expectant mother and I’m sorry to say once IT starts IT never stops. What is IT? Well IT is an opinion and everyone has one and they are about to think that you want to hear it. UGH! Trust me UGH!

So in no particular order here are a few of my favorite, stick an ice pick in my own ears, opinions that people (usually women because if it’s a guy he didn’t live past the first opinion he shared with a pregnant woman on being pregnant) will share with you.  You should note a lot of them can be disguised at first in the form of a question but just know that they are headed to opinion town just down a different street but you’ll get there eventually.

 

1.      Are you going to eat that? *Slowly removes chocolate kiss from mouth* I was why? Well everything you eat the baby eats. Chocolate has caffeine in it so you should really think before you eat that. *Now had someone told me my kids were going to have three times as much energy no matter what I ate as I could have with a whole pot of coffee and six Redbull I would have told this person to take a hike and eaten a whole bag of chocolate RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. You may not get anything about chocolate but trust me at some point some idiot will talk to you about what you are, aren’t and should be eating and it won’t be your Dr. it will be Mrs. Know it all from two cubicles down. She sucks!

2.      Are you going to breast feed or bottle feed? * Well considering I peed on a stick all but 48 hours ago I hadn’t really thought it completely through yet, my bad!* You really should breast feed it’s best for the baby. Formula fed kids have all sorts of issues. *Yes I know what you mean I see them walking around with 4 noses and 6 arms* Here’s the thing about feeding your baby. It’s YOUR baby and you need to do whatever makes you comfortable and happy. A stressed out mother does not make for a happy baby. So don’t worry about what Boobie Betty says if you want to bottle feed your child will be just fine trust me, and vice versa don’t listen to what Negative Nellie has to say about not breastfeeding and using formula instead.  Just because Nellie had a bad experience breastfeeding doesn’t mean you will. Do what you want. You and your baby will be just fine with whatever you choose.

3.      Are you going to stay home with your baby or go back to work? I mean you can’t put a baby in daycare that would just be awful. *Yes I know I hear they are run by wolves* or You can’t JUST stay home with your baby. You will be so bored. What on earth will you do all day? *True I hear kids pretty much take care of themselves after the first few weeks so I see your point*  PLLLLLLEASE!

4.      Are you going to find out what you’re having? NO? You HAVE to find out. How could you not want to know? Don’t you want to plan and be able to buy everything? Isn’t it just going to kill you to not know? *Well I hope it doesn’t kill me because that can’t be good for the baby and buy everything? Are there specific diapers for girls vs. boys? Or cribs? Or bottles?  You’re going to find out what you’re having? You can’t find out. There are so little surprises left in life. *Good point I am in no way surprised by how rude and annoying you are.*

5.      Whatever you do don’t complain to people that you aren’t sleeping because this is sure to follow: HA if you think it’s bad now good luck when the baby comes. You better sleep all you can now because just forget it, it’s over! *Well now I get up because I have to pee 129 times every two hours,  or my back hurts, or my legs hurt, or I have heartburn, or random insomnia so thank you for letting me know that this exhaustion will continue Captain Obvious but I was already aware that babies don’t sleep for 15 hours a night because they require nutrients or some crap*

 

 

So there you have it my top 5 annoying opinions given to pregnant women everywhere. Here’s the thing once you become a mom the opinions never stop. You will get uninvited opinions on your child’s food, sleep, play, behavior, speech, potty training (don’t even get me started on that one), preschool, kindergarten, when you should give them a sibling, and on and on it will go. Do yourself a favor and learn to tune people out. I personally like to pretend Adam Levine in singing in my head when people start with an opinion that I didn’t ask for…it’s much more pleasant.  

 

There is a lot women can learn from other women and there are plenty of times that as mom’s we reach out to each other for advice and it’s welcome advice. We learn from our mom’s, our sister’s, our grandmother’s. There will always be someone though who thinks they did it better because they did it before you and to that I say this: Cavewomen thought they had the whole child rearing thing down, but I’m pretty sure if they were able to see us now they could learn a few things.  There is no better way to do things if what you are doing is what works for you and your child.  Just go with it. You are a mom now and you’ve got this!

Leave Your Age At The Door

Do you remember being a teenager ( I know I barely remember what I had for lunch but stay with me) and your parents told you they were going out for the night and your idiotic teenage brain thought that meant you had a week’s time to do the most amazing things like ever?!  I mean honestly what was wrong with us? Flash forward five (ok twenty) years later and you find yourself married with kids. Finding out you have the night without your kids is pretty much the same thing as a teenager finding out they have a night without parents. You suddenly start thinking about all the amazing things you are going to do in that time (no matter how short it might be).

It is a very rare occasion that my husband and I get a whole twenty four hours without our children but we managed to pull it off this past weekend.  The first thoughts I had were: what to do...what to do?? We can sleep in, clean the house, go do something fun, tour a city, hike Mt. Everest, take 6 naps, go out for dinner & drinks, meet a celebrity, sleep some more….and suddenly my brain felt like it was going to explode. So I focused and came up with one idea.  Drum roll please….we decided to go to a Saint Patrick’s Day parade and party like it was 1997 or some year that I wasn’t quite this old.  It was a beautiful sunny day. We dropped the kids off at my parents and headed out in our green attire ready to have the time of the century (no pressure really).

We got there and my first thoughts as we were walking to meet friends at a bar at 10:15 in the morning were, no not that it was too early to have a green beer, but that wow I feel like I forgot something. Then it dawns on me. I am so used to going everywhere with a stroller, a 55 pound diaper bag and two additional human beings that just having one handbag was nothing short of invigorating or at the very least a victory for my back.

As we walked into the bar we found a spot that we decided to claim as ours for the day. We ordered our first round and we got ready for the fun to begin, and it did. The bagpipers were playing, the drinks were flowing and we were having a great time with our friends.  Fast forward to my first trip to the bathroom and without surprise the line for the women’s room is a mile long already so I get on it and poke around on my phone to kill some time.  It doesn’t take me long though to realize that all the entertainment I need is on this line. There are two girls in front of me dressed like cheerleaders but all in green with green bows in their hair and shamrocks on their faces. They are busy talking about which bar is going to have the hottest guys in it.  In front of them is a girl who I can only assume is the girl from Juno (minus the baby) in real life and she’s awesome. She’s clearly annoyed by all the cheerleader banter. Behind me there are three girls talking so fast and so loud that I don’t think one of them has heard a thing the others are saying.  There is a girl telling her friend that she already feels like she might puke. (It’s 10:50 am people) So as I take it all in I realize I’m an old bag in line with a bunch of young girls who are probably looking at me and thinking wow she’s old! I make the mistake of talking to a couple girls and asking how old they are to which they respond 22 hehehehehehehe. Yes I’d be giddy too if I was 22.

Out of no where Juno girl turns to me and says hope you don’t mind me asking but how old are you? So I answered and told her I was there with my husband and my two kids were having a sleepover at my parent’s house. She looked at me and said wow that’s awesome. I hope when I’m married with kids I still go out with my husband for a fun day like this.  You guys are really cool for still doing fun stuff.

And so I was schooled by Juno girl. None of those young girls cared how old I was. I cared how old I was.  They weren’t thinking I was too old to be there. They were thinking that they hope to still be coming to a St. Patrick’s Day parade and drinking green beer every once in a while when they’re my age with two young kids.

I left the bathroom returned to the bar, stuck a shamrock on my face and had a great time. We left by 5:00 pm, grabbed a bite to eat at a diner and were home sleeping by 8:30 pm but hey from 10am until 5pm I was cool.  So take if from this old Irish girl, whatever you do, have a green beer, dance the Irish Jig and celebrate being young and cool this St. Patrick’s Day no matter how old you may be.

 

Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege.

 

Irish proverb