Thursday, September 26, 2013

Ten Things That Will Change After Kids


Kids change everything.  No really they change everything.  There are many things they change for the better. So before you get all bent out of shape and say I don’t appreciate my beautiful children read this: A Letter to My Boys and then maybe this: No One Ever Said It Would Be Easy See I do. I love every ounce of my two boys but let’s be honest they change things and there are some things that will never quite be the same.

 

1.      Sleep. I know this is obvious but really you will never sleep like you did before children. When they are newborns you are up because they are up, when they are toddlers there are sick nights, teething, separation anxiety and requests for anything from a binky to a bunny. When they are older there are bad dreams, a need for more water, they are suddenly hungry, they heard something outside that sounded like a dog crying next to a deer that is looking for its mommy. There are nights you will be gently scare the living daylights out of you woken up by a child standing 2 inches from  your face.  You never sleep as deeply as you did before kids, not ever.

2.      Dinner. That’s right dinner will never be the same again. Nor will any other meal for that matter but dinner especially.  It would be easier to enjoy a meal at a zoo after throwing food into the cages for the animals. I must get up and down 6 times during dinner. Someone needs more milk or more water. They already used up their napkin.  They dropped their fork or their spoon. I don’t like this but I want more of this. Forget hearing your spouse speak. You have a better chance of finding the mom of that damn deer  your kid heard last night and speaking to the damn dog about it.  Oh and you are going out to dinner you say? Well you will be so used to eating so fast while at home that the two of you will be staring at one another thinking wow so we ate everything in 10 minutes flat. Go out more.  You will eventually learn to relax again.

3.      Vacations. Yikes don’t even get me started on the beach. I wrote all about that here: The Beach but honestly gone are the vacations of relaxing on a sandy beach or skiing all day and then grabbing drinks at the lodge. You have kids so you will be building sandcastles ALL DAY LONG or taking someone off the slopes to pee for the 5th time in an hour because “mommy the cold makes me have to pee”.  You will find yourself vacationing at spots that smell of chocolate all day long or lodges that mimic the great outdoors but smell like chlorine. You will go to amusement parks, zoos, farms, and places where you can make your own bears.  Some years you will skip a vacation all together because money and time just aren’t on your side.


4.      Sex (yup I said it) gone are the days of being spontaneous. It becomes more of a "hey how about Wednesday?" I don’t think we have anything on Wednesday, that is until Wednesday comes along and you can barely stay awake past 7:45. Of course if you do have energy left you then have to make sure the kids are soundly asleep. Wait what was that? I think one of them is up? Did you hear that?  Oh yeah so spontaneous!

5.      Showers.  If you can actually fit a shower in it will not be as relaxing as the days before children. Your children can be sound asleep or better yet not even home yet somehow when you are in the shower you will swear you hear one or all of them crying, screaming, begging for snacks, or fighting with each other.  Maybe they let a mountain lion and a goat in the back door and now the mountain lion is chasing the goat. The dog got in the mix and the kids are chasing all of them.  You will get out of the shower one too many times with too much conditioner still in your hair and only one leg shaved.

6.      Shopping. I am laughing crying just thinking about shopping with the kids. Grocery shopping with kids means you will certainly wind up with at least 4 items in your cart that you never intended on buying two of which you won’t even know about until you are already on the checkout line. "Marty I need a price check on this economy size of Adult Diapers!" "Whoa hold on I did not put THOSE in my cart!" Any other kind of shopping: You can forget trying on clothes. There is no fitting room on the planet big enough for you and your children or their opinions on what you are trying on.  TRUST ME! Shopping is now a race. It is not a race against time as much as it’s a race against the ticking time bomb you have in the stroller.  No one wants to be in the middle of a store when their toddler throws an over tired temper tantrum. No one.

7.      Crime Shows: I love a good crime show. Law and Order, CSI, Without a Trace, Criminal Minds and Cold Case I loved them all. Once you have children you will never be able to watch one of these shows without it sending you into a complete worried, over reaction of running into your child’s room and sleeping next to them for the next 120 nights.

8.      A clean house:  Hahahhahahahahaha no really hahahahhahahaha. An entire clean house all at one time? Sure for five minutes so soak it in and may I suggest taking a picture so you can look at it while you are crying after stepping on 15 Legos and what you can only hope is a mushed banana.

9.      Long car rides:  I used to love getting in the car for a nice long ride somewhere with my husband. We would turn up the music, talk about our week and take in the scenery. Long car rides now mean constant complaints about what’s on the radio, questions about when we will arrive at our destination, crying and fighting because “He’s looking at me.” And of course at least 6 requests to stop to pee or get something to eat. Ahhh they are so fun.

10.  A Night Out with your friends and one too many cocktails: All I can say about this one is please see #1, #4 & #5. It’s just never the same and taking care of the kids can bring on a headache so starting out the day that way is just never a good idea.  *A good laugh and one too many drinks out with your friends once in a while though can cure a whole heck of a lot so sometimes the headache IS TOTALLY worth it!*
 
Don't worry I hear things get back to normal once your kids move out, get married and have kids of their own.  So I guess when I'm 105 I will be sleeping soundly, eating slowly, taking peaceful showers and not giving a crap about the rest of the list.

10 comments:

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    1. Thank you Lisa! I'm just happy to know we are all not alone in this crazy journey we call parenthood. :)

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  2. Great list Jennifer! Totally agree with every single one you listed here!-Ashley

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  3. B.C. (before children), i was one of those jerks who said, "Oh, I won't let having kids slow ME down!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Great list!

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  4. We are currently having real issues at dinner time. I think I got more hot meals when they were babies than I do now they can make demands!

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  5. Yes while this is ALL t5rue it does get better as they get older. We are in the 'fun' years, before for they get all teenagery on our asses. Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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  6. You're hilarious. You're SO right about the crime shows! Thanks to SVU, I'll be packing lunches with spy cams and GPS until they go to college.

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  7. I can relate to every one of the points on this list! We are now at the stage where we are trying to get our children to behave nicely when we go out for a meal. They're slowly getting the hang of it. I just wish they had volume controls sometimes!

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  8. Eating alone or with just grown ups. Best thing ever, after kids. :) Visiting from Hump Day Hook Up. xoxo Jane

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  9. This gps cell phone spy application could be very useful if you want to track your friends location.

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