Today’s post is part of The Secret Subject Swap hosted by Karen over at Baking in a Tornado. This week 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. My subject is: What is the thing you are most afraid of? It was submitted to me by the lovely host Karen of Baking in a Tornado.
Fear is an odd emotion. You never quite know what is going to bring it on and the reasons may not always make sense. Let’s be honest there isn’t a human on this planet that doesn’t have a fear of something. Some fears will take you by surprise, like my 6ft 2" husband’s fear of ponies. Yes that’s right a grown man afraid of a pony. It makes me laugh too. I have a fear of spiders and heights. Put me on a high dive with a daddy long leg and you will be able to hear me scream for miles. (I will also never speak to you again just so we’re clear.) There was a time in my life when I would have answered Karen’s question by telling her without any doubt that my greatest fear was heights, but I have children now. Having children is a game changer. Suddenly all the things you thought you feared and thought you knew are turned completely upside down.
My children are young, five and two to be exact. We are in the throes of the terrible 2’s as well as the “I know everything already 5’s”. We are also however still in the stages of cuddling, playing together, talking about everything together and being one as a family unit. Our weekends consist of the four of us together, always. I look at my boys and think to myself where is the time going? After all it feels like just yesterday I was coming home with my oldest as a newborn and today he is in Kindergarten. I feel like I am going to blink and he will be in high school.
That being said young kids are no walk in the park. After all it’s what we do now that will affect them later in life right? Ahhhhhhhh wait if I read that out loud I may in fact have a panic attack. Let me say that one more time. What we do now is what will affect them later in life. In other words don’t mess up MOM! I can tell you I am far from perfect. In fact there are nights I tuck the boys in and finish cleaning up only to get in bed and feel like one big giant failure. Maybe I lost my patience one too many times that day. Maybe I told the 5yo I didn’t have time to read him a second story. Maybe I chose cleaning the house over getting on the floor with the 2yo to do 6 puzzles that day. Maybe just maybe I secretly wished to be anywhere but here that particular day. The guilt we put on ourselves as moms to be on 100% of the time is a real killer. After all there are plenty of days I read that second story, do those 6 puzzles and wouldn’t dream of being anywhere BUT here. I can’t help however being afraid that I am not doing it right, this parenting thing. That one little thing could forever alter the outcome of my children and our relationship in the future.
When it comes down to it my biggest fear is that I am not a perfect parent and that I will somehow permanently damage my children because of it. After all you don’t get a do over. This isn’t a sport. This is life and it’s happening whether I’m prepared for it or not. When you bring a baby home life is all about feeding, cuddling, changing and playing but as they grow you begin to realize that there is so much more to this than you could have ever imagined.
Sometimes I find myself thinking way too far ahead. What if they don’t make any long lasting friends? What if one of them gets bullied? What if one of them IS a bully? What if they come home with questions I’m not prepared to answer? How will I talk to them about drugs? What will I say about sex? What if someone hurts them? What if, what if, what if????
Then I take a deep breath and realize the only way to deal with fear is to deal with it head on. So I am going to climb to the top of the high dive and look that Daddy Long Legs in the eyes and get over it already. Or I am going to just take this parenting thing one day at a time. I know not all of our days will be great ones, but some of them sure will. I know that I am doing the best I can. I know the boys feel loved and are happy. I know how they treat people now and I will do my best to make sure it remains that way. I will make sure they know how to stick up for themselves and when it comes to the really big things in life well we will have to tackle them like we do our weekends, all together.You see fear can only take over if you let it and when I look at my two boys I can’t help but think how on earth can I possibly be scared. I’ve got this. We’ve got this.
This has been a Secret Subject post. I hope you enjoyed it. Grab a cup of coffee or your favorite cocktail and go read what the amazing other bloggers had to write.
Baking In A Tornado
com/ Just A Little Nutty
blogspot.com/ Moore Organized Mayhem
Crazy As Normal
blogspot.com Searching for Sanity
Home on Deranged
com Dawn’s Disaster
com/ The Insomniac’s Dream
com Black Sheep Mom
wordpress.com/ Writer B is Me